


A Cherry Blossom's Dream

by Jeanne1900



Series: The Infinite Tsukuyomi Conundrum [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/M, I'm not good at tagging, Infinite Tsukuyomi, Infinite Tsukuyomi flashbacks, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems, Sai is a good friend, but this is only the first part, cheating (but they were on a break kinda), sakura is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 40,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne1900/pseuds/Jeanne1900
Summary: The Infinite Tsukuyomi left many reeling. Some people were left hopeful, because it showed a future that had yet to come true. Others, however, were faced with a brutal punch in the gut when their dreamworld turned out to be nothing else but that: a dream.Sakura definitely belonged to the latter category. She learnt to live with the loss, but everything changed when Shikamaru turned up on her balcony. Now, he lives with her (temporarily) while she helps him figure out his relationship problems, all the while trying to hide her true feelings.As if that weren’t enough, she has started seeing and hearing things that aren’t really there, and she doesn’t quite think it such a bad thing…
Relationships: Nara Shikamaru/Temari, One-sided Haruno Sakura/Nara Shikamaru (endgame), background Yamanaka Ino/Akimichi Chouji
Series: The Infinite Tsukuyomi Conundrum [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602985
Comments: 87
Kudos: 187





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Naruto or any of Kishimoto's characters.
> 
> English is not my first language, so please excuse any of the grammar mistakes that I am sure are there.
> 
> This is the first part in a series. I'm currently writing the second part while editing the first. Updates: once every week.
> 
> You can't wait for the update but need a Sakura/Shikamaru fix? Check out my other story Vacant Soul!
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter!  
> Thank you all for your comments and kudos, it really helps to hear what you think of the story, and that there are people interested for more :)  
> Enjoy :)

Sakura ignored the knock on her door in favor of taking another drag of the cigarette that now felt so familiar between her middle and forefinger. She knew she should probably answer the door instead of relishing in this brief respite this tiny object brought her, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

She took another drag of the cigarette, felt her chest rise as her lungs expanded, puffed out the smoke, and watched as the white tendrils slowly disappeared into nothingness. Her eyes drifted up towards the blue sky, which didn’t show even a hint of white fluffy clouds.

_Shikamaru wouldn’t like that._ After all, he loved watching the white clouds, would watch them all day long if he had the spare time to do so. And, surprisingly, she found it quite entertaining as well. Not that she would ever tell him that she loved looking at the white fluffiness as they changed into something different every time, their bodies in a continuous circle of fluidity. She would often try to guess the shapes they would change into, only to be surprised repeatedly by the sheer endless possibilities.

Sometimes she wished she could be those clouds. Afloat in the sky, always moving about. And-

_Free_

Free from obligations. Free from having to pretend that everything is fine. Free from thinking. Free from-

“Hey.” Sakura looked up surprised to see Shikamaru perched on the railing of her balcony, an eyebrow raised curiously at her. And she supposed it would be curious, the way he found her lying on her balcony, smoking a cigarette whilst looking at the sky, something so unlike her, and so much like him.

Her eyes drifted away from his face, to take in his clothes, his usual Jounin getup of a green west over a black mesh shirt and black trousers. He looked totally relaxed even though his calves must be staining to maintain that sort of position. She looked back at the sky and took another drag before greeting him and tried as best as she could to ignore her treacherous heart beating wildly in her chest.

“Hey.” He took that as an invitation to drop down and sit against the wall that led into her apartment, his legs bumping against her feet as he stretched them as well as he could in the cramped space her balcony provided. Then he lit his own cigarette.

“Didn’t know you smoked.” Her eyes returned to his face only to see him watching the sky. So she did too, although she suspected it took her way longer to tear her eyes away from his face than it did him. Luckily, he didn’t see her struggle, too focused on the search for his favorite pastime. And she was actually glad he didn’t pay too much attention to her. While curiosity killed the cat, it made Shikamaru into the most annoying and persistent person in the universe.

“Yeah well, bad habit I picked up along the way. Can’t seem to stop.” She supposed she could stop if she really wanted to, but she didn’t quite want to, really, so what was the point of trying anyway.

She hoped he wouldn’t ask why she started smoking, because she wasn’t sure she would be able to hide the real reason from him. And it was the most pathetic reason too. People started smoking because they wanted to try it out (admittedly also stupid), to see what it was all about, or because they needed something to alleviate the stress with. Not because they missed the smell. Though technically she had never _actually_ been close to it in the first place…

“Well, I’m the last person who is going to argue with you on that.” He chuckled and she suppressed the shiver that threatened to run down her spine. She hated how she was still so attuned to the low timbre of his voice even now, but no matter how hard she tried to stop, her body reacted to him one way or another. She took another drag from her cigarette and then realized she had finished it, so she put it out in the ashtray she had placed next to her.

Shikamaru was still smoking absentmindedly, and so she folded her arms behind her head so she could make the whole experience of lying on the ground more bearable. She wished he would just get on with it. But Shikamaru wasn’t someone who could be rushed and always did things in his own slow pace.

“Why are you here?” She yawned and then rubbed her eyes. She was still tired from the double shift that had ended last night, or more precisely, in the middle of the night.

“Ino thinks you’re avoiding her, so she sent me to check in on you.” She snorted at that. Ino wasn’t right, but she wasn’t wrong either. She had been avoiding someone, but it hadn’t been her blonde friend. But avoiding her had been an inevitability, after all, avoiding Shikamaru meant avoiding his two best friends as well. And she found that it had given her a short reprieve of her machinations, and so it had definitely been a plus as well.

“You’re still playing Ino’s lapdog?” From the corner of her eyes she could see him regarding her, and she just knew that he must be furrowing his brows at her right now at her crudeness. She had tried to revert back to her old cheery self after the war, but after the whole Lee debacle she had stopped. There was no need to pretend that she wasn’t affected by the war. In a way, people looked at her now and saw someone marked by war, not Tsunade’s protégé who was perfect in everything.

Now her friends had to get used to a coarser Sakura, a Sakura who valued privacy above all else. And most had accepted her this way, although Ino still struggled with this new version of her and kept goading her needlessly.

“Ouch, that’s harsh, but I suppose you’re not so far away from the truth. It’s better than the alternative.”

“The alternative being?”

“Having her on my case. And it also provided me with a way to escape Ino’s controlling machinations.” She made a face at that, and he chuckled. They both knew how tenacious and annoying their friend could be, so she couldn’t really blame him.

“Are you and Temari having problems again?” Sakura tried not to feel hopeful. How awful was she that she was hoping her friends were still unhappy in their relationship? How awful of a person was she that she wanted them to break up? The worst kind of person. She shouldn’t want other people to be unhappy.

Yet here she was wanting exactly that.

Her heart pounded in her chest when she heard him sigh tiredly. She regarded him then and watched as he rubbed his face with his hands. Now that she actually looked at him, she could see the dark rings under his eyes and the unnatural tenseness in his shoulders.

Sakura longed to hug him close to her, to run her fingers through his hair until they closed around the tie to loosen it. In her dream, after a long day at work, she would do exactly that, and then gently massage his scalp to relieve some of the pain the tight ponytail had caused him. And he would close his eyes and lean on her legs as she did so. It had felt so domestically serene, so simple yet…perfect.

But she didn’t have the right to do that now. Didn’t have the right to feel this overly affectionate concern for him. Instead she remained unmoving, even though she yearned to help him in some way.

“Honestly, I don’t know anymore. We’re fighting all the time, over nothing and everything, and I just- “. His voice broke and she could see how much the fighting hurt him, in the way his brows furrowed, and the corners of his mouth sunk. Sakura sat up and moved to sit next to him, even as she felt pins and needles pierce her heart at the realization that he felt such fierce love for someone else. Couldn’t Temari see what an amazing thing she had? Couldn’t she see how much he loved her?

Shikamaru was the most loyal person she knew. He was loyal to the village, loyal to his friends, and loyal to his heart. And his heart belonged to Temari, there was no arguing about it. So why were they at odds with each other more often than not?

She sat up and leaned on the door that led inside her apartment, and took his hand into hers and squeezed, because that was what you did when the man you had a crush on was in pain. You did everything you could to make him feel better.

“Did she throw you out again? It will sort itself out. You’ll see.”, she said cheerfully, something she definitely didn’t feel on the inside, but if she could help him with words, so be it. He squeezed her hand, and she tried not to think about the fact that they kept holding hands, even though the moment of proprietary friendship support had long since passed.

But she wasn’t going to complain. Like a puppy starved for love, she relished in the warmth of his hand holding hers. She was such a fool sometimes.

“I’m not…completely sure it will this time.” She looked at their hands, unable to respond to that. She didn’t quite know what he meant. Did he mean that he didn’t love her anymore? Or that she didn’t love him anymore? Did they break up? No matter what, she didn’t know if she was ready for the answer, so she opted to change the topic instead.

She let go of his hand to stand up and opened the door to her apartment.

“I’m going to make some lunch, do you want some as well?”, she said while hoping that it would stop this relationship therapy she wanted to avoid at all cost. She was also very sure that she was the wrong person for this, being biased and all, and having almost no relationship experience at all.

“Depends, what are you making?” She raised an eyebrow at that.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were such a picky eater.”, she said teasingly, as he followed her inside into the small kitchen of her tiny one-bedroom apartment. It was sparsely furnished, with only the essentials, but it was all she needed. She had moved out from her parents’ after the war, into one of the newer built Jounin complexes that were located much closer to the hospital. Here, she had the privacy she required as an adult.

“I’m not, I eat pretty much everything, doesn’t mean that I enjoy eating salads and all that stuff.” She turned around and regarded him. If he had enough of salads it could mean only one thing. Temari must have thrown him out of their apartment once again after their argument. So, things had been a lot worse than she had thought.

He must have been staying at Ino and Chouji’s apartment for the last few days at least. Because Ino had insisted on getting Chouji on a healthy diet for the last few months, they had mostly changed their diet completely with only a few days in a week with a meat option. Chouji wasn’t a fan, but even Sakura had to admit that the diet did wonders for Chouji, by the way he had lost so many pounds just the last few months.

“’Salads and stuff’ huh? So, you decided you had enough of the healthy life and came to me? The medic?” She had to hold back the laughter.

“You’re a good cook.” He grumbled while scratching the back of his head.

“Wow, that’s all I am to you, isn’t it? A person who prepares delicious goodies. Oh kami, what have I done wrong in my past life to deserve being so utterly exploited in such a way? By a friend no less.” She pressed a hand to her chest dramatically, and she could see that she had achieved bringing a smile to his face. She liked the carefree Shikamaru the most.

“You’ve seen through my ploy, what am I to do now?” he said with a tone filled with sarcasm, playing his part, and she giggled in response, then continued on her way to her kitchen to peek into her fridge. She had some leftover rice from yesterday’s dinner, some broccoli, carrots, peas and eggs in her fridge.

“How about some fried rice?”

“Sounds good. You need any help?” She handed him the vegetables and the rice so he could put them on the counter and then took out the cutting boards and two knifes.

“You can cut the carrots while I prepare the broccoli.” Side by side, they started to cut the vegetables in companionable silence. This moment had something almost domestic about it, and Sakura remembered a moment from the dreamworld. It was very similar to this. The difference, however, was the man beside her, who had been her husband in the dream, and a friend in a relationship in the here and now. For a moment, the two moments overlapped, and it was hard for her to distinguish between them. Another version of Shikamaru turned to her and threw some ingredients at her, a playful expression on his face.

“Any news from Sasuke?” she blinked twice, and the surreal moment was gone. What was left was a deep ache in her chest that spoke of longing and loss.

“Sasuke? Don’t really know, you’d have to ask Naruto.” She said dismissively and maybe a little bit apprehensively. She had finished cutting the broccoli and heated the pan. He didn’t continue the line of questioning, and she was glad for it. She felt uncomfortable talking about Sasuke. That hadn’t been a thing for a few years now. She didn’t know why everyone thought they would become a thing, even though it had been obvious from the start that Sasuke had had no interest in her.

That had become apparent when he left the village, in search of answers and redemption. And by the fact that he only sporadically returned. No, that chapter of her life had been closed very insistently by both of them. And how well she had moved on. From one unattainable man to the other. Well done Sakura.

Well. Done.

Sakura heated up the frying pan and then started frying the vegetables. Shikamaru silently did the washing. The companionable silence from before seemed to have disappeared in a puff, and she thought it felt more like an awkward silence than anything else. But she couldn’t say if it was because of her dismissal of Sasuke in her response or something else.

She could feel his eyes on her though, and that made her feel uneasy, to say the least. So, she told him to go relax in the living room until she finished with the meal, which he complied with easily enough. Shikamaru would never change in that regard, and always prefer relaxation over actual work.

“Lunch is served.” Shikamaru, who until then had been sitting on her couch with a spaced-out expression on his face, probably thinking hard about how he was going to win back Temari without too much trouble, blinked and then sat down at the table.

“Thanks for the meal.” They both automatically said before they started to eat.

“So, what’s up with you? Why have you been avoiding Ino?”

“What do you mean? I haven’t been avoiding Ino, I’ve just been busy the last few weeks.”

“Come on Sakura, you barely show your face at our gatherings like you used to, and you’re not dating anyone to my knowledge. And you’re smoking, something you’ve berating me for since-” he pointed his fork at her, which she found a _tad_ rude, “-I started smoking before the war almost three years ago. You’ve been…different lately, and I-, we are worried.” He finished his little speech, pointedly looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

“What a nice little speech you gave there. Now only if you were a certain busty blonde friend of ours, I might feel compelled to spill all my beans. But, alas, your lack of boobs makes your endeavor, shall I say, impossible.” She smirked at his offended frown.

“I can be intimidating if I want to.”

“Like a disgruntled cat that was woken up against its will from a two-hour long nap maybe.”, she retorted back, and he grumbled and shoved a fork full of fried rice into his mouth. He sighed but seemed to understand that she wouldn’t budge on this topic.

“So how long have you been smoking?” She furrowed her brows thinking about the answer.

“Uhh, I don’t know, it’s really been an on and off thing since the war, I guess.” He raised his eyebrows but kept eating the rice. She was glad he didn’t ask why she was smoking the same brand as him.

“And? Have you thought of a way to win her back yet?” Temari’s and Shikamaru relationship followed a certain pattern. They were happily living together, being all happily domestic, until Temari was annoyed about something with Shikamaru and threw him out to stew over the matter until he managed to wrangle up an apology, after which she would take him back and they would continue the circle from the beginning. On and on it went, although lately there had been a lot of throwing out. Honestly, Sakura thought that it was exhausting, but she suspected that this was a way for them to keep the relationship exciting.

She could see how the topic depressed him by the lack of his usual mirth in his eyes, the furrowing of his brows and the slumping of his shoulders. She apologized on the inside to him, but she couldn’t have him too interested in her. “Not sure I’m going to. It’s too troublesome.” Her traitorous heart skipped a beat. She hated how she became so hopeful, but she tried to shove it deep down. This wasn’t the first time he said that, only to make up with Temari a few days later, so she didn’t quite buy it this time either.

“Hmmm…”, she replied, her disbelief about that quite potent in what didn’t even constitute as a word. But she knew that, in the end, he would choose Temari, because it was obvious how much in love he was. He looked crushed just talking about it, so she was sure he would return to her in time.

“Ino told me it’s normal for a couple to fight occasionally.”, he started saying cautiously.

“Ino an Chouji fight plenty themselves, so I guess she’s right?”

“But Temari and I- “, he took a deep breath as if it hurt for him to admit what he was going to say,”-we don’t only fight occasionally. We fight all the time. Every day. And it’s just…I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“I didn’t know it was that bad. What did Ino have to say about that?” Ino, who often picked the brain of the weirdest and worst of Shinobi was somewhat considered to be a relationship guru.

“She said that relationships need work, and that I should keep trying.”

“So, instead of taking her advice to heart, you came here seeking advice from the one person in our friend group who hasn’t been in a long-term relationship…ever?” He looked like he was thinking hard about his next words.

“No, I-“, he took a deep breath, “-I wanted to ask you if you would let me stay here for a few days until I’ve figured things out.” She didn’t like where this was going. At all. The point of avoiding her friends was avoiding him, and if he was staying here, she wouldn’t be able to avoid him any longer.

“Wait, aren’t you staying with Ino and Chouji? Why can’t you just stay there?” _Please just stay there._

“Ino has proven to be quite…persistent-“, she raised her brows at the vast understatement, which he pointedly ignored, “-in her opinion that I should get back together with Temari, to a point where I feel like I can’t think at all anymore. I want to really think about…if this relationship is salvageable. Kiba and Shino are gone on a mission, and Naruto and Hinata…well.” He didn’t have to say anything more. Naruto and Hinata had just gotten married and were still in a sickly-sweet honeymoon-phase that made everyone gush and Sakura puke a little bit on the inside. She could see why he wouldn’t want to stay with them.

“If it’s too much trouble I can try and…hold it out with Ino and Chouji, but…” It would make thinking about his situation from a rational perspective rather hard. He sighed tiredly, as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulder. Yes, she understood. Even if he hadn’t made his case in this way, she doubted she would have refused him. She was a sucker for him.

“It’s not too much trouble. There’s not much space, so you’ll have to sleep on the couch, but…you can stay as long as you like.” _But not too long or I will get even more hopeful about this whole situation than I already am, and we don’t want that._ His shoulders relaxed and he sighed in relief.

“Thanks Sakura.”

“What are friends for?” She smiled at him, but then avoided his eyes. She had to be extra careful the next few days. Shikamaru was able to notice the little things about people with little effort on his part. And the last thing she wanted him to know was that she had feelings for him.

Things were about to become complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

As a child, Sakura’s greatest wish was to have a big family. Meeting Ino had only deepened the conviction that siblings were the greatest thing that could happen to a person. Although Ino was, by all means, an only child just like Sakura and most of her peers at the academy, Sakura had always thought that her bond to Shikamaru and Chouji was more that of a sibling’s bond than anything else.

Watching the three of them bicker and laugh together had only strengthened that conviction in Sakura’s little heart. Looking back, Sakura thinks that this conviction was mostly brought on by loneliness. Her parents had rarely been home. As chuunins themselves, their earnings were small, so to compensate they had to take on many missions. This did not mean that Sakura did not appreciate their efforts. But it did, like so many things did during childhood, shape her personality.

Later in the academy, the teachers would tell them how it didn’t matter if you came from a clan-family, no-name family, or civilian family. But the more time she spent at the academy, the more she became convinced this was a lie. In the first place, the clan children all knew each other, had grown up along side each other as their parents socialized with the others. This, she later realized, was the result of clan-politics, something she would never understand, nor need to understand, because she was and would always be an outsider.

Because Sakura was from a no-name family, and because her parents were always away on missions, Sakura did not have to go through the socializing process the clan-children or even other children went through, and so, when Sakura entered the academy she didn’t know how to make any new friends. Sakura didn’t know what socializing was, didn’t know how to act or talk to other children, and so she became what other children would refer to as unapproachable, but what she would categorize as merely being extremely shy.

Sakura had spent the first few months of the academy by herself, studying attentively, while yearning for the friendship she could see others had gained so easily. While others had naturally split up into groups, Sakura could be found by herself at her desk, drawing or writing in her notebook. It was then the bullying started. Other girls would offhandedly insult her hair color, or her hairstyle, which she had actually copied from one of the girls in class, and after a long day she would return to a dark and empty home only to break out in tears at the unfairness of it all.

So, when Ino had taken it upon herself to befriend small little Sakura, who had become so self-conscious about not only her appearance but her personality as well, it was an understatement to say that Sakura was thankful. No she was ecstatic, and she bathed in the attention she had been denied from her parents and other peers.

Sakura became Ino’s little project, and for a few months, Sakura learnt what it meant to become more confident, to voice one’s opinion, and that her thoughts mattered. Sakura felt, for the first time happy and content with life. But Sakura didn’t know anything about social cues, nor friendships, or how easily they could break. Sakura thought that her first friendship would outlive anything and everything.

So it had been, to her immense shock, been an unwelcome surprise to her when her friend terminated their friendship because of a boy. In the first place, Sakura had done the same thing she had done the last few months: she had imitated her friend in everything, because friends liked the same thing and had the same interest.

But Ino had drawn an invisible line Sakura hadn’t known existed, and then pushed Sakura away and declared her a rival and an enemy. And Sakura was many things, but she wasn’t an angel or a saint, so instead of apologizing or explaining, she turned her hurt into anger, which manifested into the most ridiculous rivalry in Konoha’s history. Which, in Sakura’s opinion, would only be topped by Sasuke and Naruto’s rivalry years later.

Maybe, if Ino hadn’t thrown Sakura to the curb, and instead cheered her on in her first love as Sakura had Ino, Sakura would never had manifested such a strong desire to become Sasuke’s wife. But the hurt Sakura felt was deep, and she knew now, because she was wiser and older that the only way, she could overcome that betrayal was by becoming completely obsessed with Sasuke.

And that was how the most ridiculous unrequited love story of the entire world started. It started because of a stubborn young girl hurting on the inside, and it ended without her intention or awareness. One day, she thought she wanted to bring him back because she loved him. And then the Infinite Tsukuyomi showed her a dream of a different variety altogether that made her realize she had been deceiving herself all along.

Under the moon jutsu’s influence, everyone dreamed of their perfect life, their very own happy ending. One night a few months later, her friends talked about their dreams in their drunken stupor, about what had become reality, and what remained an unfulfilled aspiration even now. Kiba had joked about how he had been Hokage in his dream, and everyone had to agree that _that_ was a dream that would stay off the table forever. Ino had dreamt about being the head of the T&I division, and although she had yet to reach the top, she was well on the way to achieve that dream. 

Sakura had listened to her friends and stayed silent herself. She rarely got drunk, didn’t like the complete lack of control that came with the alcohol. Ino had often made fun of her because of this and called her a control freak. Sakura was sure she didn’t mean it in a bad way, but it still stung whenever she was called rigid bitch, or a party-pooper, or whatever else her drunken friend called her when she was on the influence.

Her friends had all assumed she had dreamt of being married to Sasuke, living the perfect life of a housewife with one or two kids. And Sakura hadn’t bothered correcting them, because admitting the truth would have revealed things about her that she wasn’t ready to share. And even back then she knew that certain people should never find out about the truth or what lied behind that truth.

The Infinite Tsukuyomi may have shown people a perfect version of their future. A happier version of their life. But it showed Sakura a version of a future she could never have, because the man of her dream (literally) already had a girl he liked, and that girl, incidentally, liked him back.

One day she thought she was in love with Sasuke, an emotionally stunted criminal who had betrayed Konoha, and the next moment, she was in love with the most arrogant genius she had ever had the misery/pleasure of meeting. Sakura thought she had really stepped things up.

No one had suspected, least of all Sakura. But Sakura knew that, though she was a champion at obsessing, she was even better ignoring her feelings, of shoving them deep down into a dark lonely place in her head, until she had forgotten she had done it in the first place. Sakura had become a pro at deflecting her emotions, something she blamed entirely on Ino’s betrayal.

Under the Infinite Tsukuyomi, everyone had dreamed, but it had been different for all of them. They had dreamed _of_ the same world, but it had soon become apparent that everyone had lived _in_ their own world.

Some had only spent a few days. Others had spent weeks in the world. They had tried to discern a reason for the discrepancy for the time difference, and Sakura suspected it had something to do with the psyche. She theorized that the stronger a psyche was, the less effective were mind bending jutsu’s. Thus, to take effect on a stronger psyche the jutsu must become more elaborate in its design to avoid being detected. In the end, the people who had known in detail about this jutsu were all dead, and so they would never know for certain if her theory proved right.

And it soon had become apparent to Sakura, that she had spent a much longer time in the fake dreamworld than anyone else. Naruto had only spent a few days in it before he realized it was fake and broken out of it. And the others, just like Sakura, hadn’t even realized it had been fake at all, and they had spent a few weeks in it. Sakura, on the other hand, had spent almost a year in it.

When people woke up from the mind bending jutsu they were first confused, and then angry at being deceived, which they then turned into their strength for the next battle. Sakura on the other hand…was devastated to no end to wake up after experiencing an almost perfect future, only to lose it all in one instant. The realization of her feelings for a man who turned out to be unattainable didn’t help either.

Like with any unwanted feelings, she had shoved them away deep down, so she could focus on the battle at hand.

But sometimes, in those rare moments she allowed herself to relive those memories, she wished she was still caught in the Infinite Tsukuyomi for just a moment, to experience the uncaged and unlimited happiness that she only found in there.

_A rough hand rubbing over her stomach…_

_Those few lingering kisses on her throat that always sent shivers down her spine…_

_A warm body pressing up against her back…_

_A low and sensual rumble, a promise for something more…_

She didn’t allow herself this often, because there was a real world out there, with real people and real consequences. And Sakura knew that, theoretically, it was because she held on so tightly to this dream that she was unable to move on. But how was she to stop when the dream promised such sweet memories? Was it really that much of a sin, to keep dreaming of a better future?

Telling anyone about her alternate reality was out of the question. She had hated it when people looked at her in pity whenever Sasuke came up as a topic. She wasn’t weak, she was a strong kunoichi, with an amazing career. And even if things in her love life didn’t go as planned, or, as it was now, didn’t even exist, that was no excuse to pity her.

It wasn’t like she didn’t try. Over the course of the last two years, she had tried to suppress her feelings in a multitude of ways. She had tried dating, for example. At first, she had thought she might try dating Sasuke. It had been her dream since childhood after all. And even though that mindless drive to be Sasuke’s girlfriend technically didn’t exist anymore, she thought that if they tried, she might develop some feelings.

But the last of her affections for that man had disappeared when he and Naruto had so stupidly decided to fight to death in the valley of death. It served them right to lose an arm each. Stupid idiots. When she had discovered the two of them, she had decided to never date either of them. And that was that. She had healed Sasuke and Naruto, and a week later he had left in search of his soul or whatever other silly excuse he provided Naruto with. Naruto, the supportive friend that he was, tried to hide the hurt and had cheered him on. It had only made her want to hit Sasuke even more.

But who was she to interfere? And in the end Naruto had moved on anyway. He was dating Hinata, and they looked happy together, so all ended well. Except for her, it seemed, because dating, it seemed, was not her thing.

She had dated Lee for a bit, but _that_ had been a complete disaster that made her feel even worse. The more time she spent with him, the more she realized he had never really _seen_ her.

Over the course of their childhood he had somehow come up with a whole other, more perfect Sakura and had portrayed that image onto her. Much like she had done with Sasuke. And the more time she spent in his vicinity, the more inadequate she felt, until she had to put a stop on the whole relationship altogether. By the end of the three months they had dated she had felt so insecure it had reminded her of her academy days, when she had had no friends and had yet to meet Ino, who would save her from her bullies. And she had hated herself for feeling like that.

She had broken it off, and it was a good thing too, because a few months later he started datin Tenten. The two of them had their one-year anniversary not so long ago. The two of them fit together flawlessly, and Tenten was able to put him down a peg or two when he overstepped his boundaries, something Sakura had never been able to do.

After Lee there had been others. But those relationship hadn’t lasted for long, and if she was being completely honest, she hadn’t seriously tried after Lee. After the fifth relationship had gone awry, Sakura had stopped altogether. She hadn’t been fair to them and had never been able to completely relax in their presence, which had been a huge discomfort when it came to sex with them.

Sakura knew what amazing sex was like, thanks to the fake life she had led for six months. Sex in reality…did not measure up. At all. And she found that she couldn’t completely open herself to the men she had dated, emotionally and physically, which only added to their frustration.

So, she had decided to stop dating. For almost a year now she had been single, and she didn’t mind it too much. At times, It was lonely. There was nothing she could do about it. But she had a job and friends and a life in general, and she was thankful for that. She was satisfied. Not happy, but maybe someday she could look at her life and think that this was indeed happiness.

As a child, Sakura had had a dream. But even if that dream was unattainable now, it wasn’t so bad, right?

Right?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

Shikamaru soon after excused himself because he had work in the afternoon but promised to be back in the evening with a few of his clothes. She wasn’t sure how the whole living together with her crush was going to turn out, but to say she was freaking out was a little bit the understatement of the year.

Although they would be living together for only a few days (she hoped) they would do so in a very cramped space, and it looked like they would eat at least two meals together every day, if she counted breakfast. That meant that they would have to converse with each other, which also meant that she could not avoid him like before. She was just glad that he hadn’t figured out that she had not, in fact, been avoiding Ino like everyone else had assumed, but him. Thank Kami for small mercies.

They would also be sharing a bathroom together, and she did not want to think about _that_ after an image of a half-naked Shikamaru with only a tiny towel wrapped around his hips flashed in her mind and made her blush. She was eternally grateful to whichever Kami had made sure no one had seen her do that.

In a nutshell: she was doomed.

With a sigh, she busied herself with cleaning her apartment, with a few smoking breaks in-between, because she was totally stressed out about this whole situation, and a few allowances had to be made, right? If things continued this way, she wouldn’t be an on and off smoker anymore, but a full-fledged chain smoker.

She wondered about what he was going to do from now on. Was he going to break up with Temari? Or was he going to go back to her like the last times? He hadn’t really explained, but it did seem like he wasn’t going back without making a few changes at least.

To get her mind off things, Sakura decided to go to the hospital for the remaining hours of the day, even though today was supposed to be her day off. The nurses were reluctant to let her work at first, but an influx of emergency patients gave them no choice but to accept her help. Though, they did make her promise not to come back the next day so that she could get the rest she needed. Sakura agreed in the end, albeit reluctantly, because nurses were scary and if she wasn’t being careful, they would report this to Tsunade, and she definitely didn’t want to be on the receiving end of _that_ tirade.

She returned home after doing some shopping and decided to do some relaxation exercises on the balcony. She had started this about six months ago, when the stress of her job had caught her off guard, and she had had a mini breakdown. Her team and her parents were the only ones who knew how serious her workaholic attitude had become and had taken great care in keeping her company during her time recuperating.

Sakura had been recuperating at home for a week before she had felt like she could face the world. She had gradually increased her working hours from then on. Tsunade had been extremely reluctant to let her back to work that early, but the lack of medics in Konoha was still a problem and so she had had no choice but to let her come back. After that incident, Tsunade and the nurses had been keeping a close eye on her, and Sakura had agreed to take at least two days off in a week to keep up her health.

It was funny, how things sometimes went, but before the incident she and Sai had never been really that close. Yes, they had been teammates, and after the whole Danzo affair, she had started to trust him as well. But she had never felt as close as she had with Naruto or Kakashi, until the day he had appeared on her doorstep on her day off, with a spare canvas and some ink and watercolors for her use.

He had then, over the course of a few weeks on her off days, shown her about his passion, and although Sakura would never become an artist, or good at drawing for that matter, she did enjoy the calm and serene feeling that overcame her whenever she sat down and decided to draw. After that very intense instruction from Sai, they had started to really hit it off as friends, and now regularly met up to draw alongside each other.

Sai was different from Naruto or Kakashi, because he never asked her annoying question or tried to fill the silence with nonsensical chatter. And whenever there was something she wanted to talk about, he was there to listen, without judging her. And, as things went, he became what Ino would have become to Sakura, if the incident during her childhood hadn’t put a rift between the two. Sometimes she wasn’t sure they would ever overcome that rift.

She had also adopted some other relaxation techniques in order to relax from a stressful day at work. She couldn’t let things get as bad as that time six months ago, and so she had started doing breathing exercises or taken up reading whenever she needed to come down from a stress high.

At the moment, she was sitting on the balcony cross-legged, her arms resting comfortably on her legs as she breathed in deeply, her eyes closed. She tried to forget all about the rush from the hospital, meeting Shikamaru and offering him a place to sleep. She almost succeeded if it hadn’t been for the knock that interrupted her in her exercise.

Exasperated at being interrupted in her relax time for the second time today, she stood up and went to open the door. There stood Shikamaru with his posture slouched as always, his left hand hidden in the pocket of his trousers and his right holding the strap of a backpack half slung over his shoulders. Exasperation forgotten, she stepped aside to let him in, and walked by her into the living room to drop the backpack next to the couch.

“Hey.”

“Hey. I’ll just go and grab you a blanket and a pillow from the bedroom. Uh, make yourself comfortable.” He turned around and smiled at her as he thanked her. She couldn’t help but feel a little bit awkward at the whole situation, and she was glad she could gather her thoughts for a moment. While she collected the blanket and spare pillow from her closet, she repeated _It’s only for a short time. It’s only for a short time_ over and over in her head like a mantra.

 _“You’re not going to make me sleep on the couch, right? I’m sorry I didn’t argue with what my mother said. You don’t have to be a stay-at-home mom-”_ Sakura froze at the familiar voice that belonged to the other Shikamaru, the one who loved her in a reality that didn’t exist anymore. But no matter how much she strained to hear more, the room stayed silent.

A bit confused by the sudden memory of her dream world, she returned to the living room only to find him sitting down and ruffling through his backpack. He looked up when he heard her approach. It felt weird seeing him sitting on her couch, all comfortable. It almost seemed like he belonged there. But she had to remind herself that it wasn’t true, that it would probably never be true.

“Are you sure it’s okay that I’m staying here?” She handed him the blanket and pillow and he put them on the ground next to his backpack.

“What are you saying? I already told you that it’s okay to stay over. It’s just a little strange because I’ve never lived with anyone other than my parents.” She sat down next to him on the couch. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? The couch is pretty small.” The couch was so small, in fact, his feet wouldn’t fit. Who was she kidding, part of his legs wouldn’t even fit on this small couch. It only had space for two people to sit on it.

“I can handle the couch. I’ve had worse during missions. Thanks again, for letting me stay.” he smiled at her in gratitude, which made her feel warm in her chest. She could feel her heart picking up the pace in her chest.

“It’s not a problem. You’re always welcome here. Have you had dinner yet?” She avoided his eyes as best as she could. It wouldn’t do to blush now. Or ever, if she wanted to hide her crush.

“Uh no, after work I went straight to Ino and Chouji’s to get my stuff.” Sakura stood up and headed to the kitchen to see what she could whip up. He followed her into the kitchen.

“How did that go?” she inquired while she rummaged through her fridge. He stood somewhere behind her, leaning on the counter most likely.

“It was fine really. At first she didn’t understand why I made such a big deal out of this but…Chouji made sure she understood that this wasn’t like the other times.” She went to the stove and started to prep the ingredients as they talked. She was okay with him just talking, it gave her hands something to do, and gave her an excuse not to look at him.

“What’s so different about this time?” _What did she say to rattle you so much?_

“It’s not so much as what happened in this fight but about everything else as well. I think we both underestimated how hard it is to leave behind her village and her family. In Suna, she would have been one of Gaara’s closest advisors, and here she…doesn’t have the same kind of responsibilities. Because she’s a foreign Shinobi, she’s not privy to the same secrets as she would be in Suna, and I think she hates that she’s been sort of demoted.” She heard him exhale tiredly.

Sakura had never really thought about that aspect before. She had always been a Shinobi of the leaf, and there had never really been any incentive to leave her home. But Temari one of the most talented Shinobi of her generation, she could have had a huge career back in Suna, with her brother being the Kazekage and all that. But she gave it all up to be with Shikamaru.

“That…I honestly wasn’t aware that it was that hard for her here. It was pretty brave of her to leave behind her village and family for love.” No matter how jealous she was of Temari, she had to give it to her, she didn’t do things halfway.

“Yeah, it was one of the many things I liked so much about her.” he smiled as he grabbed the plates so they could put their food on it, and she tried hard to ignore the piercing that was going on in her heart. “She’s strong, temperamental yes, but she’s not afraid to take risks. Most of the time it pays off too, but…” he paused deep in thought.

“But?”

“I think staying here in the village, it not only frustrated her, but it ultimately made her question her abilities and strength as a kunoichi. She’s not able to show her true strength here in Konoha, and I’m beginning to think that…it’s ultimately not good for her…to stay in a village where she doesn’t feel…home.”, he finished sadly. He kept silent after that, and she knew he was thinking deeply about what he had just said. She turned around with their food in her hand and regarded him.

Maybe it was the first time for him saying it aloud and he realized how true the words actually were. No matter what it was he thought about, it wasn’t something happy. Sakura hated seeing him so defeated, so she bumped her shoulder into his, which seemed to at least jostle him to reality again.

“Let’s eat in front of the TV today. There’s a movie I’ve been meaning to watch for some time.” Shikamaru grimaced before asking.

“It’s not a romantic comedy is it? Ino loves those and I think I’ve seen enough for a lifetime.” She laughed.

“No, it’s revenge porn. It’s a bit violent but I think you’ll like it. It’s about this retired S-class Shinobi whose summons was killed by a member of this crime syndicate of missing Shinobi, and then he basically goes on a killing spree to get to him.”

“Huh, didn’t peg you for the violent kind- “. She looked at him from the side in disbelief, “-never mind, I don’t know what I was thinking, you’re totally the violent kind.” She elbowed him in fake outrage, and he chuckled. Sakura’s heart skipped a beat at the comfortable banter, and she tried hard not to jump whenever his knee would touch hers from time to time while watching the movie.

The movie was everything that it promised it would be: violent, bloody, and satisfying. And it seemed to do the trick for Shikamaru, because by the end of it, he had been rooting for the main character just as hard as she was, and they both sighed in satisfaction when it was over.

Sakura almost patted herself on her shoulder when she saw that Shikamaru had once again adopted his usual slouch, the tension from the talk before having disappeared completely by the end of the movie. She took their plates to the kitchen, and did the washing after refusing his help, and told him to use the bathroom in the meantime.

While he was showering, Sakura went outside for a smoke and leaned on the railing while she closed her eyes to the noise around her. After her mini breakdown she had had a hard time relaxing at first, especially after a busy day she so often had at the hospital. She had often felt too on edge, like she had to do something, _anything_ , to alleviate the bustling in her nerves.

She had felt much like she was feeling now, even though she had just come from what was supposed to be a relaxing activity. But as so often in Shikamaru’s presence she hadn’t been able to relax and had been overly conscious of his movements beside her, of his knee brushing against hers, of the occasional twitch. She knew it was silly, to be so on edge around a friend, but she couldn’t really help it.

She supposed she was afraid. That he might suspect something about her feelings and that it would change everything about their relationship. It wasn’t like she had a chance with him even if he chose to break up with Temari. People that got out of long-term relationships usually didn’t jump into their next relationship. So, no matter how this whole mess turned out to be, Sakura would be on the losing end of the stick.

She heard the glass door behind her open and she looked behind her to see Shikamaru toweling his hair. He was wearing loose black tank-top and grey sweatpants. She had never really seen him with his hair all loose in reality, but it definitely stirred something in her stomach that she didn’t want to analyze too much at the moment.

“Bathroom’s free.” Sakura finished the rest of her cigarette and put it out.

“Alright, do you have everything you need?”

“Yeah, goodnight Sakura.”, she shivered as the low timbre of his voice slid over her skin like a soft caress. She hoped it looked like she shivered because of the cold air not because of him.

“Goodnight.” She said and moved to pass by him, trying hard to avoid his eyes the whole time. She brushed her teeth and put on some night-cream, and then went to lie in her bed in her pajamas.

As she closed her eyes, she heard the other Shikamaru whisper in her ear.

 _“Sleep well baby.”_ As she closed her eyes, she wished he was there, putting an arm around her. She nestled herself deeper into her covers.

She had never felt more alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, I've realized, a bit belatedly, that I've once again written something angsty. After this series is finished, I think I really want to write something with a bubbly and happy Sakura.  
> Really, this Sakura is quite depressing, but oh well!  
> I'm currently writing the second part of this series, and boy has it gotten out of hand. I started this story thinking it would be a lot shorter than my last (which, arguably also got out of hand) but apparently I'm not the kind of writer who is good at planning and executing story plans?  
> Anyway, tell me what you thougth of this chapter. I'm curious. Is this story interesting, is it lacking anything important? If there is please tell me and, if I can, I'll incorporate it in my story!  
> Comments and Kudos always bring a smile to my face!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you have been telling me how depressed and sad Sakura is, and...uh...not to worry you, but... it won't get better for a while yet.  
> Enjoy :)

_Sakura was just finished with washing the rice when she felt him press against her from behind, his hands sneaking beneath her shirt to caress her bulging stomach. Even when she had been pregnant with Shikadai, he had never stopped touching her stomach, too wondrous was the miracle for him that was growing inside her._

_And this time was no different. He would touch her stomach at every opportunity he had, trying to feel the baby move inside of her, and she loved him even more for it._

_“Did everything go well at the medic’s?” She laced her hands with his’ for a moment nodding at his question, and he pecked her on her cheek before taking the rice and putting it in the rice cooker. She braced her hands on her hips and regarded him with outrage._

_“I’m not such an invalid that I can’t put on the rice myself.”_

_“I know that, but you also know what the medic said when we found out you’re pregnant again. No strenuous activities, you know how bad it was the last time…” He finally looked at her and realized his mistake._

_“Nara Shikamaru!”, she said angrily, in a way that made both Shikadai and Shikamaru always flinch and admit defeat without arguing, “Don’t you dare coddle me!”. Shikamaru slowly approached her with raised hands in an attempt to apologize, like she was a dangerous animal that was prone to attacking at any moment and hugged her close._

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” He pecked her on her lips, and she relaxed a tiny bit. He kissed her again, this time with a hint of tongue, and she sighed against his lips when she heard tiny feet approach._

_“Urgh, gross.” Sakura blushed and she could see Shikamaru smirk before she turned to her son._

_“Have you finished with the exercises already?”_

_“I don’t see the point in doing them, I’ll ace the test anyway.”, her son grumbled, and she thought she heard a faint “troublesome” but wasn’t quite sure. She sighed in exasperation at her son who was very much like a miniature version of her husband, and then turned to look pointedly at her husband with her eyebrow raised that said, “He’s your son, you deal with him.” He sighed, but then turned to his son._

_“Now see here Shikadai, that’s-“_

As Sakura opened her eyes, she could faintly hear Shikamaru explaining to their son why it was important to still do the exercises, but his voice slowly faded into the background until she wasn’t able to hear anything else.

It was the first time since the Infinite Tsukuyomi she had dreamed of that dream, the memory felt so vivid that for a moment she was too disoriented about her surroundings, something feeling off about them. But the feeling disappeared, the same as the sweet memory from a time that had felt so much happier.

Even though that time had been an illusion.

With a sigh she stood up and made her way silently to the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine. Shikamaru was still fast asleep on the couch, so she quietly stepped out onto her balcony. With her back to the door she sat down on the floor cross-legged and closed her eyes while she listened to the village waking up.

In the beginning she had thought meditating was all about not thinking, of shutting out all thoughts until there was nothing left in her mind but a vacant space. But Sakura wasn’t able to do that, her mind too alive, her brain constantly shouting about this and that, and so she had had a hard time to relax. As with many things in life, she became better with time, and she realized it wasn’t so much about suppressing all thoughts, and more about letting her thoughts wander and take the direction they wanted to take.

Within minutes she felt her shoulders relax, and with it her heart also started to pump in an even and slow pace. Sakura enjoyed listening to the birds waking up and listening to the beginnings of a day as she heard other people open their shutters. In the distance somewhere a baby was crying for her parents’ attention and she could hear other people chattering and grumbling as they made their way to their work.

“I didn’t know you meditated.” Sakura’s heart started beating faster, and with annoyance she noted that her relaxation exercise had come to an abrupt end. As many things did in Shikamaru’s presence. Like her composure. Although she was much better at hiding that at least.

“You’re losing your touch Shikamaru. You used to know everything about everyone.” She stood up and regarded him with a smirk as he took a drag of his cigarette. She hadn’t noticed that he had been watching her for this long, he had almost finished with the cigarette he was holding.

“Only because Ino loves gossiping.”, he said, a frown in place at the implication of his senses dulling. But he had never been a proud person. That had always been Ino. Shikamaru was more of a pragmatic and logical person, although his only weakness was his curiosity. He loved solving puzzles, because it was one of the few things that challenged his mind.

“I’ll go take a shower, feel free to take food and drinks from the kitchen.” She didn’t wait to hear his reply, but she did feel his gaze following her into the apartment. His gaze always made her feel self-conscious. Was there something wrong with her appearance? Had her mask cracked somehow for him to take notice? The most likeliest of explanation was probably being deep in thought, his eyes carelessly following someone’s motions without actually taking notice.

She took a quick shower and then tiptoed into her bedroom because she had forgotten a change of clothes.

Back in the kitchen she grabbed a cup of coffee and joined Shikamaru at the kitchen table. He was holding the cup of coffee with a disgruntled expression.

“Not a morning person?”

“What gave it away?” he asked her wryly in return. “I’m usually not too amenable before I’ve had my morning smoke and my first cup of coffee.” It was a fact that she had known, Ino having complained to her more often than not before the war. He had been the same in the Infinite Tsukuyomi-dream. She had found it adorable back then, as she did now, but she wouldn’t tell him that.

“Really?”, she said nonchalantly, as if that information surprised her,”do you have work today?”

“Yeah, but I’m off duty after lunch. That doesn’t look like your usual hospital outfit, are you off today as well?”

“Mhm, there’s the Shikamaru I’ve missed. Astute observation as always.”, she said teasingly, and he tried to flick her off, but his movement was still too sluggish, so she avoided him easily. “The nurses would kill me if I turned up today. Sai is supposed to come by sometime this morning though, and we’re going to spend some time together.”

“Oh?”, he said, faking indifference like Ino would have at that tidbit of information. This time it was her turn to flick his forehead, but the coffee seemed to work its magic because he leaned back just at the right moment, avoiding her fingers by just an inch. He smirked at her victoriously and she rolled her eyes, trying to keep herself from blushing as best as she could.

“Don’t.”, she said threateningly, and he held up his hands in surrender, much like he had in her dream from last night, and that thought sent a pang through her stomach. Spending her morning together with him reminded her of her dream even more. But she remembered, painstakingly, that it was also very much different. Although they talked and teased like they were friends, there was an unfamiliarity to it. After all, their friendship had no way of competing with her seven-year relationship from the dream.

“I wasn’t doing anything.”, he said with a grumble after she had managed flicker his forehead, this time completely catching him by surprise.

“Yeah well, just because all my friends are in a happy relationship doesn’t mean I have to be in one as well to be happy.” Sakura almost hit herself when she saw his expression becoming serious all of the sudden. “Shit, sorry. That was…insensitive of me.”. The playful mood had vanished, leaving them both somber and him with a serious expression.

“It’s fine.” He grumbled.

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m just not used to someone else in my private space.”

“You get used to it once you start living with a partner. Well, at least I did, and I used to be someone who valued privacy.” That, at least, she knew was true. Shikamaru had never been someone to blab about himself. Even when she would hang out with him as a child, she had practically only known his name, because he had never gone out of his way to talk to her, and neither had she. And only after the Forest of Death incident, when Ino and Sakura had restored their friendship, she had started to get to know him, although it was more accurate to describe it as the slow process of coaxing out information from a tight-lipped Shikamaru.

He had once told her how he loved that people underestimated him, because they only saw him slouching and complaining about everything, never once suspecting that there was such a piercing intellect behind those observant eyes.

Of course, she had no way of knowing that was true. He had told her in the Tsukuyomi-dream, and although that Shikamaru was much like this one, it was different in some respects.

Maybe that had been what had intrigued her about him. They were both cautious about revealing too much about themselves. Or at least that was how it used to be.

She didn’t look at his face anymore, but somewhere to her left into the kitchen. So much was different now. “Not sure I want to.” _I don’t want to live with anyone who’s not you anyway._

“Wha- “. They both flinched when they heard a knock on the door. Quickly, before Shikamaru could regain his composure and continue his line of thought she went to the door and opened it.

“Hello Sakura.” He greeted her with his fake smile intact as always.

“Sai, you’re earlier than I expected. Let me just grab my stuff and we can go.” Sai merely nodded and waited in front of the door for her. Sakura went into her bedroom to collect her bag, in which she put all her drawing supplies during her cleaning frenzy the day before so Shikamaru wouldn’t come upon them and checked if everything was inside.

Back in the living room she turned to the table to say goodbye to Shikamaru. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Yeah, bye.”, he said, still a little dazed, probably from being sleepy.

She sighed in relief once she closed the door behind her. Then she turned to Sai and gave him a smile. “How about we go to yours for a change?”, she asked apologetically. Usually they would stay in her apartment to draw, but she didn’t want to do that in front of Shikamaru. It was only a hobby, yet she felt reluctant to show more than necessary of her private life to him. Or anyone for that fact.

Sai, understanding as always, or perhaps simply unaware of her predicament, answered her easily and without a judgmentally raised eyebrow, or a wicked glint in his eyes. “Sure. Let’s go.” They made their way to his apartment which was closer than expected, in a small but quaint two-bedroom apartment.

Instead of turning the second bedroom into a study, Sai had changed the room into his personal atelier, with his pictures displayed on his walls. He brought her a spare chair, and then she set up her station so she could start to draw.

“Do you have a boyfriend now?” Sakura sighed. Blunt as ever, Sai didn’t know much about tact, but to be fair, she liked it better than the rambling some other people got up to, so she wasn’t very annoyed.

“No, Shikamaru is staying over until he’s resolved his issues with Temari.” Sakura couldn’t focus much on painting, so she just drew random shapes and figures.

“That must make it difficult avoiding him.” Sakura stilled. Then she looked at Sai who had continued to paint unaffected, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bombshell on her. Sakura gave up on the idea of painting anything now.

“Was it that obvious?”, she asked hesitantly. She had thought she had been so good at hiding her true feelings, but if Sai had discovered them…

“I don’t think anyone else has noticed, though I’m not quite sure about why you’re avoiding him.” Sakura put her feet on her chair and hugged her legs tight.

“No reason really.”

“Why isn’t he staying at Chouji and Ino’s?” Sai kept on drawing without looking at her, but she was sure he was aware of how tense she was. If she told him to stop asking, he would, and so it was completely up to her how much she wanted to reveal. It was something she had come to appreciate about him immensely.

“Because Ino’s being unsupportive, or so he tells me.”

“Is that so. And you let him live with you?” _Even though you hate people in your private space_ was heavily implied. For a while, Sakura didn’t know how to answer.

“I was surprised myself. But somehow, I just can’t refuse a friend in need.”, she said bitterly, and he kept drawing, letting the silence linger. Sakura didn’t want to talk about this any longer anyway.

“I met a girl.” Sakura’s head snapped up at the new tidbit. Sai, with his troubling past, had difficulty being in a social setting, so dating still felt foreign to him. He once told her that he didn’t understand why people went on dates, and so Sakura had to explain to him how people got to know each other by talking and spending time with each other, and why surveillance was _not_ the way to go about wooing a girl.

“Really? Do I know her?” She could see the corners of his mouth lifting for a second before they returned to his usual indifferent expression. He had gotten better at making expressions lately, maybe it was because of this girl?

“She’s a chuunin kunoichi and a bit younger than we are, so I don’t think you know her. She’s…nice.” Sakura smiled. She was glad that her friend had finally met someone of interest.

“Tell me about her?” And so he did. Apparently, they had met in the art’s supply shop, the only one in town. She sometimes worked there to help out her parents, who owned the shop. She had seen him there often but lacked confidence to start a conversation with him. But then, he had asked her about a special type of ink, and she had finally asked him for a date, after explaining to him in much detail about what kind of ink was the best.

They spent the whole morning talking about his first date, which she found more than disastrous but the girl had apparently liked it and asked to see him again. She was glad for it, because even though Sai showed little emotion, she knew that he struggled with his deficiency. It wasn’t like he didn’t feel the emotions, he just didn’t feel connected to them in the same way that others were.

They decided to eat in the village, because Sai didn’t have any groceries to speak of other than instant noodles, and so they went for some barbeque.

They parted ways later but promised to meet next week. Sakura went back home to find Shikamaru at the table seriously regarding a piece of paper. She put the bag with her painting supplies in her room and then joined him at the table after making herself a pot of tea.

“Hey, you need any help?” Upon closer inspection she found out it wasn’t anything like a mission’s report like she expected it to be. Shikamaru had his head in his hands, a sure sign that he was at his wit’s end.

“It’s a pro and con list.”

“Well, good luck.” She got up but his hand shot out quickly to take hold of her arm. “I’m not good at this kind of stuff. Whose idea was this anyway?”, her voice might have sounded a tad whiney, but she reserved the right to do that when it concerned other people’s relationship.

“Ino’s.”, she almost snorted out loud at that. Of course, it was. She didn’t think it was a good way to quantify a relationship. It felt a bit too childish and unrefined to be Shikamaru’s idea.

“I don’t think a pro and con list is the way to go about it in this case.”, she said hesitantly and he looked up to watch her with a raised brow.

“Yeah, I’m beginning to see that.” He still hadn’t let go of her arm.

“I gather from this that you haven’t gotten any farther in thinking?”

“Yeah, and people at the tower have started to ask questions about…” Sakura understood now why he had resorted to this. He was starting to feel pressured into making a decision, and although Shikamaru had always been a very strategic person who worked well under pressure during missions, it was different when it concerned his social life. He liked to take his time, to think about every possible angle of a problem so that he could make the best possible decision.

“It’s only been a few days, right? There’s no need to rush these kinds of decision. Don’t listen to them.” Shikamaru sighed.

“Technically it’s been over a week.”, he admitted grudgingly.

“You-“, he pointedly avoided her eyes in a way that showed how embarrassed he was about the whole thing. She sighed. She did that a lot lately. And she blamed Shikamaru.

“Do you…want to talk about it?” She had offered him to stay at her place, and she knew that she would be involved into this mess one way or another. She didn’t like being in this situation. Having to be an impartial judge in a case she was very much invested in? Not a good idea in her opinion.

“Let’s go for a smoke?”

“Sure.” He let go of her arm, but her skin still tingled where he had touched her. She tried to ignore the sensation as best as she could and walked to the balcony. She patted down her jacket she still had on but realized that her cigarettes must still be in her bag. Shikamaru offered her one of his’ and she accepted.

Shikamaru leaned on the railing of her balcony, his eyes fixed on the blue sky above them. “When I was younger, I always thought that women were troublesome.” Sakura stayed silent while he took another drag and took his time to puff it out. “The only important women in my vicinity were my mother, who constantly nagged at me about everything, and Ino, who constantly pestered me either about training or how Sasuke was the most perfect man on this earth.” Sakura chuckled nervously. 

She could see why he would think that women were troublesome. Sakura had been no better in her childhood, always gushing about Sasuke here and Sasuke there.

“We weren’t really the best company back there. So, what made you change your mind?”

“You did.” Sakura looked at him in surprise, and her heart skipped a beat when she met his unwavering gaze. _Calm down._ “When I saw you defend Sasuke and Naruto in the forest of death, risking your life. And when your conviction didn’t sway even a bit even though he left the village and turned traitor… I thought that it was such a drag, but at the same time I admired you a little bit. I had never had anything in life I wanted to protect and pursue like you did Sasuke.” Sakura blushed, and he smiled at her before he looked back at the sky in the distance. Hearing his praise made her stomach flutter in nervousness and gratitude.

“I’ve always hated his guts, and I thought he was stupid for leaving you behind. And then I thought, it sure would be nice if I had someone who felt the same way about me.” Sakura brushed some stray hairs behind her ear to gather her thoughts. She hadn’t thought that she had such an influence on his opinion on women. She had always thought she was uninteresting to him. After all, he was a genius, and she was…a girl obsesses with an unrequited love.

“That sure feels like such a long time ago now. Was it during the chuunin exams then that you became interested in her?” he snorted in amusement, as if that thought alone was too ridiculous.

“No, back then I was still a brat who thought he had life figured all out. I really started to notice her when we proctored the chuunin exams together. She had changed from this scared prideful girl into this skilled and confident woman who wasn’t afraid to stand up for her opinion. Gaara had become Kazekage already and was in the middle of changing old and outdated policies, and she was there for him, opposing the elders together with her siblings, changing old useless traditions, building the future…” he reminisced fondly with a faraway look in his eyes as if he was seeing the scene in front of his eyes. She had to look away as her heart squeezed painfully in her chest. Hearing him praise another woman didn’t make her feel elevated at all.

How could she ever compare? Somehow, the possibility of Shikamaru ever noticing her felt like a million light years away. She took another drag to hide her hurt. “Why didn’t you ask her out back then?” The both of them had only started dating shortly after the war, about two years ago. They had become pretty serious very quickly, and she had moved here after only three months of dating.

“I thought that it wasn’t the right time, what with Akatsuki and the war on the forefront. And when I think back, if it hadn’t been for the war I might have hesitated even more, maybe for years. It’s funny how that dream changed my mind. The Infinite Tsukuyomi showed me how it could be, having a family with a loving wife, a child, and I knew then that that’s what I wanted for my future.”

“How long were you in there for?”

“Just a few days. But it was enough for me to realize that I wanted a family for myself. Before the war I always thought of being married as being a chore. I watched my parents fight and bicker and I sure thought that having a family would only be the most troublesome thing that could happen to me.” He turned around, leaning his back against the railing and looked at her from the side with an smile that said his childhood-self amused him.

“I almost died too and that made it even more obvious to me that I shouldn’t waste my time.” She remembered that moment. When she had seen him…she hadn’t told anybody how frantic she had felt on the inside while she had put all her chakra into him, but if it hadn’t been for Naruto sharing his chakra, she would have used Chiyo’s technique on him. If she had thought about the situation for more than a few seconds, she might have realized her feelings for him. But the war hadn’t given her any time to do that.

And then the Infinite Tsukuyomi had happened and she had known anyway.

“Maybe if we had talked more about what we expected from life, about our aspirations, things might have turned out differently, but the war, it…made us rush. We were confronted with how life was short and brutal, and we wanted to make the best of the situation.” They weren’t the only ones. Everyone had carried away baggage from the war. And everyone reacted in a different way.

Some had trouble accommodating to normal life after war and had instead opted to take more reckless missions to feel the same rush as in the war. Some, like Sakura had thrown themselves into work. And others had thrown themselves into their relationships to forget about their lost comrades and families.

“Why do you think things would have turned out differently if you had talked about those things?”, she asked him with a frown, just then realizing the bitterness and sadness that had been carried along with his words.

“Well, we would have realized that we wanted different things. Like the fact that Temari doesn’t want children, and I obviously do.” Oh. Well that would have been good to know. She could see how that would be jarring to find out now, after almost two years of having a relationship.

“Why didn’t she tell you before?” Surely, she had known about it before she had entered their relationship. Not wanting children was a pretty big thing _not_ to know, right?

“She told me that she had always thought that she would someday have the desire to have children, and that she was just a little bit late in that regard. And everyone around her wanted them and expected her to want them as well, so she didn’t have the courage to speak up after she realized she never would want children. I should have realized. She would always change the topic whenever I talked about having children, but I never made the connection until a week ago when she had broken out in tears and told me.”

“I guess it is hard when everyone else tells you how things are supposed to be, and you feel like you’re the only one who is different. Societies expectations on women suck.” People, especially Ino, kept insisting on introducing guys to her. And people at work keep asking if she was dating anyone. Nobody was asking Kakashi if he was settling down soon, and the gender bias annoyed her to no end. It made her feel all the more pressure for being different, as if she _couldn’t_ truly be happy without a boyfriend attached to her.

Not that she was truly happy, but it annoyed her anyway.

“So, what about you Shikamaru?” He looked at her questioningly. All the while he had talked about Temari, but there had never been anything about how _he_ felt about the whole thing. He had wanted a family, had been in a relationship with the woman he had _thought_ had wanted the same. And now it turned out to be different than he expected. But he had yet to tell her about his perspective.

“What about me?”, Sakura rolled her eyes at his stupidity.

“You’ve been talking about how Temari’s suffering in this relationship, how she’s been enduring all along, but what about you? Are you happy the way things have been going?” She put her cigarette out and waited but nothing came. Finally, she raised her head and regarded him.

“You haven’t thought about it, have you? You tend to always put others before you and forget to take care of yourself. I bet you’ve tried so hard to accommodate Temari in everything that you forgot to think about yourself.”

She had often wondered why he would let Temari walk all over him and had assumed that he liked being passive in his relationship, something that was quite different from her version of Shikamaru in her dream. But even when they had fought in their dream, he had never been afraid to tell her about his opinion, about how he felt about the whole problem. He won more than one argument that way, a fact begrudgingly admired about him.

But the more she heard him talking, the more she wondered if that was true, or if he just got himself into that sort of pattern because of some unrealistic notion that a relationship was all about pleasing the woman only.

“I…haven’t thought of it that way.”

“Seems to me that is something you should think about before making a final decision.” He looked at her, his eyes regarding her seriously as if there was something new about her, like he had had a revelation. And she knew instinctively that no one had ever done that for him before, that no one had asked him about how he thought or felt about the issue.

Suddenly the colors around her brightened, the blue of the sky behind him became almost vibrant, the light of the sun became so bright it almost blinded her. She could feel the wind brushing against her skin even though she could have sworn a minute ago there was none. Shikamaru was replaced with an older version of himself, his hair a little longer, and the beginning of a beard making itself known on his chin. He was smiling at her gently, and his eyes crinkled in an adorable way, so different from a few seconds ago. And when she looked into his eyes, her heart stuttered, and then started beating wildly in her chest, and she felt like she was drowning in the affection she could see there.

_“I love you, Sakura.”_

“-ra?” Then she blinked and the colors started to bleed out, to dull into a colder and what she considered to be a more imperfect version of before, and she felt like the rush of feelings that had threatened to overthrow her whole being slowly subsided into a disappointing low buzz. As sudden as the moment had appeared, it disappeared again, leaving her feeling dizzy and aching and sad and lonely.

“Sorry, just spaced out a little, what were you saying?” Shikamaru regarded her for a moment longer before he spoke.

“I was saying that I appreciate your help, Sakura. I’ll think about your suggestion.”

“Ah-, yeah. You do that.” She felt more than a little awkward, and so she retreated into her apartment with the excuse of having something to do for work the next day.

No matter how much she tried she couldn’t forget the intensity of the raw emotions from that short moment. It had felt so exhilarating, so absolutely stunning. A part of her was more than a little afraid of what it meant.

But a much larger part of her craved it even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So technically I know that, according to the anime, Shikamaru's dream in the Infinite Tsukuyomi was quite different, but as the author I took the liberty to change some of the aspects (Sakura's dream is also different, so why not Shikamaru's?  
> As always, I love to hear your thoughts on the story, and don't forget to leave Kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you all for your comments! There were some intersting theories and thoughts in there as well, which make me feel extra pumped about this story (hopefully I won't let you down!)
> 
> Anyway, here you are with another chapter!  
> Enjoy :)

They started to develop a routine over the next few days. They both got up in the morning and shared some coffee while waking up, and would meet again by dinner time, which would often be spent in front of the TV talking about this and that.

Contrary to Shikamaru’s estimation, he had not reached a conclusion after only a few days. But after their heart to heart talk, which was more Shikamaru pouring out his heart to her than anything else, he seemed to have taken her advice seriously because she found him deep in thought more often than not. Shikamaru was busy working and figuring out his feelings, and Sakura, for the most part, let him do that in peace, only offering advice or her thoughts on the matter when asked.

Sakura, who had started working again the day after ‘the talk’ was busy with a particular case that left them all puzzled. Over the last few months there has been an increase of seemingly unrelated incidents where patients were found comatose in their home. They hadn’t been able to find a cause, nor a way to wake them up.

Sakura had been assigned the case after they had received the third patient, but she had been unable to find a relation between the three, nor a possible environmental factor that might have caused the strange illness. There were also no defensive wounds, nor was there any indication of a break in or attack, which made her assume it was either a very skilled assassin, who sucked at killing, or they all suddenly just sort of toppled over and just didn’t wake up again.

Sakura was stumped.

The situation with Shikamaru living in such close proximity to her didn’t help and made her feel even more stressed than she already was because of this case. She liked their talks, whenever they wouldn’t stray on the topic of his relationship with Temari, and she honestly liked hearing him laugh whenever she told him of an overbearing patient, or a particularly funny case when Sakura had trouble keeping a professional expression on her face.

In turn, he would tell her about all the gossip from the tower, about Naruto’s antics here and there, keeping Kakashi on his toes. Working in the tower was perfect for people who wanted to be informed about their fellow shinobi, be that injuries, love affairs, or plain gossip. Shikamaru, it seemed, was often overlooked in a room because of his low-energy presence and quiet attitude, but it also provided him with ample information and blackmail material on his fellow comrades.

Shikamaru had a very dry humor that bordered on sarcasm, something that resonated strongly with Sakura. He was able to keep the conversation flowing without much problem keeping his input at a minimum that usually made people relax in his presence. She could see how this would aid him in his administrative and political endeavors, but it also made her very careful around him.

And there was the crux of the problem. She just wasn’t able to relax in Shikamaru’s presence. Her heart kept insistently beating wildly in her chest whenever she received one of his smiles. Her hands felt clammy all the time now, which really wasn’t a pleasant sensation. And she had to be careful in the way she said things and in the way she showed emotions, because she couldn’t slip in front of him, because slipping even once in his presence could potentially mean having her feelings discovered.

She was, simply put, on edge all the time.

Even during their now nightly activity of watching a movie, she couldn’t relax back into the softness of her couch, every molecule, every cell of her body craved his touch and, more than once, she had to almost physically tear herself away from imagining his hand sneaking onto her thigh, or taking hold of hers.

The effort it took to hide her feelings was exhausting, and she was actually looking forward to her days off, when she would either spend a few hours with Sai, or on a walk in the village. But even then, she found herself spacing off, thinking about Shikamaru one way or another.

The only reprieve she had were the little moment in which the Tsukuyomi-dream and reality overlapped. The instances had increased slightly in the past week, but they had lasted only for short moments, a few seconds at most, but they had felt like little bursts of happiness in what felt like a dull and dreary ordinary life. She enjoyed every second of it, even though she was aware that it wasn’t technically real, but it felt nostalgic and she thought she deserved something to look forward to.

Sometimes she heard his voice close by, whispering endearments and words of affection that made her chest swell with warmth. Sometimes she could see him clear as day, an older version of Shikamaru, his eyes crinkled with laughter, a beard making itself known by his chin, and his trademark lazy grin on his face that showed his confidence and promised wicket things.

And sometimes she could hear the dragging of little feet on the hardwood floor, accompanied with a groan and a complaint in a much higher and more childish voice. It was these moments that her heart ached in pain and longing, and she tried not to think too much of the future that never belonged to her in the first place.

She couldn’t fathom why these snippets from another life were appearing now of all times, two years after the war, but they didn’t hurt her, and so she didn’t feel like it was something that needed to be reported. She had a feeling it was because she was living together with Shikamaru, and that this new arrangement somehow triggered these episodes, and so she didn’t really worry about them.

She hadn’t told anyone about the visions, because she was afraid, they would make her look crazy, and she didn’t know how she was supposed to explain it to them anyway. It wasn’t like she could go around, telling everyone how much in love she was with Shikamaru. Her friends would either look at her as if she was crazy, or with looks that were filled with pity.

Not to mention that it would make things awkward between her and Shikamaru, so telling anyone was out of the question.

A few days after ‘the talk’, Ino came by her office. Sakura had been immersed in her notes and was trying to find a common denominator between the three victims and becoming more than a little agitated at finding absolutely nothing, when her blonde friend barged into her office demanding immediate attention. The door had hit the wall in a painfully loud bang which had made her flinch in shock. She hadn’t expected to see Ino here of all places, but she almost berated herself for the foolishness, because this was Ino, and she seldomly left things in a way that displeased her.

“Long time no see Sakura.”, she said, the words dripping with accusation, as she plopped herself into one of two chairs in front of her desk. Ino had a way of making herself the center of the room and attention without really trying, and how she achieved that even in her own office was beyond Sakura. But here she was, lounging in one of Sakura’s visitation chairs reserved for patients who needed a more private consultation, as if she always belonged in it.

“Ino.” Sakura took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes hoping that it would dispel the tiredness that had persistently remained the last few days. “What brings you here?”

“Tonight, we go drinking. I’ve already called the gang. It’s all been arranged! I won’t accept a no.” she said with a stubborn expression on her face, the one she always carried as a child whenever she wanted something, she knew was hard to get. It was an expression that promised you hell if you didn’t give in, and one that was still very much effective even now. Some might call it a talent. Sakura called it obstinate.

“You’re just looking for an excuse to interrogate Shikamaru.” They both knew how talkative he became when he was drunk, a weakness they had both exploited immediately after its discovery one night before the war. Shikamaru had, to his embarrassment the next day, not only admitted his crush on Temari, but all about the girls he had, until then, secretly dated, and revealed his favorite sex positions, as well as his kinkiest fantasies. They had been…very interesting, to say the least.

“And what if I am? I’m worried about him. He’s never taken so much time when they were on ‘a break’ before.”, she said while frowning. “And I haven’t forgotten you avoiding me for _months_ -” Sakura rolled her eyes at her friend’s over-exaggeration.

“It was a few weeks at the most, and you know it.” Ino smiled triumphantly a strange glint of glee in her eyes that told Sakura she just had stepped into quicksand. In her mind she could see herself sink deeper and deeper as she watched Ino take a deep breath. She almost laughed out loud at the image of her own self drowning if it weren’t for the feeling of doom that slowly crept up on her.

“Ha, but you were avoiding me! And I demand compensation! I know from a reliable source- “, Sakura once again rolled her eyes.

“You mean the nurses, those damn gossips- “She really had to come down on them hard the next time they started talking about her private life. She knew that there wasn’t much to talk about in a small village such as this, but for Sage’s sake, there had to be a limit.

“-that you’re free the next two days so don’t you dare refuse. And I swear to Kami that I’ll drag your sorry- “Sakura had heard enough. She knew there was no way out of this, even though going to a gathering with her friends was the least enjoyable past time she could think of.

“Fine! I’ll be there, just…tell me when and where.”, she said annoyed at having her hand forced by her friend once again as she tiredly massaged her temples. Ino could be such a menace.

“We’re all meeting at 8 o’clock at the _Black Lagoon_ , don’t be late!”, she said in a cheerful voice and then disappeared out of the door.

Sakura buried her head in her hands.

_“If you continue on like this you’ll burn out. You have to rest Sakura, now more than ever!”_ Sakura stood up startled before she realized that this wasn’t her Shikamaru, but the one from her dream. He paced in front of her desk, the worry lines that had appeared on his face a clear sign that he meant every word he said. He had fisted his hand at his side, carefully keeping his anger in check, as he strode up to her.

He was wearing a loose long beige shirt with a v-cut and short sleeves, on top of dark loose trousers that didn’t restrict his mobility in the least in case of an emergency. She knew by this time he seldomly took missions anymore, because he had completely taken over the Hokage’s advisor job, on top of his clan responsibilities. His hair was a fair bit longer, but still captured in a tight ponytail. And on his chin, just like his father, he sported a small beard he had been growing for a few months now.

She felt s shiver run down her spine at the raw emotions she could discern in his eyes. The worry. The love. She swore she could feel the weight of his hands on her shoulders as he turned her so the only option was to look at him.

_“Please Sakura, you don’t have only yourself to think about anymore!”_ Once again, Sakura felt a pang at the worry he felt for her. It left her almost breathless, and the ache to live this for real grew even larger.

_“Okay.”_ , she heard herself say in the dream, or maybe she said it in reality, she couldn’t differentiate the two Sakura’s anymore. All she could focus on was the relief and the tenderness in the man holding her close. His arms sneaked around her and pressed her against him, she could hear his heartbeat, feel his warmth, and she raised her arms to wrap around-

Nothing.

Sakura felt a sudden dizzy spell that sent her back down into her chair, but as soon as her butt hit the leather of her seat she felt fine again. She released her breath and pressed her palm to her forehead.

Maybe the vision was created by her subconscious to tell her that she had overworked herself? That seemed plausible. And even if Ino hadn’t appeared out of nowhere, she would have called it quits after a few more minute of looking over the files.

Sakura actually felt exhausted, now that she took the time to take stock, and decided to call it a day. She made her way home and decided to bring some fried chicken take out because she sure as hell didn’t want to cook.

She met Shikamaru on the way, and they made their way back to her apartment together.

“Ino came by the hospital today.” She said not even trying to keep her annoyance and exasperation at bay. Somehow, she knew she could count on him being supportive in her dark mood, knowing that he too was probably suffering from the same awful fate Ino had imposed on her.

“She also came by the tower. I guess she forced you to go out as well?”

“Yeah. Let’s just eat and get ready, we’re meeting in an hour.” They both sighed in defeat before digging in. They took turns showering and then made their way towards the bar they were supposed to meet the others.

If she had known how the evening would turn out, she would have stayed at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do love to write about these sweet moments in the flashbacks. There's something so very satisfying about fluffly Shika x Saku...  
> As always, I do love to hear from you all and don't forget to give this story kudos if you like what you've read so far!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. I've rewritten it so many times, I just don't know anymore, so I'm posting it anyway because what can I do? I hate not keeping my schedule...  
> Also...I love angst and it will be big in this fanfic...
> 
> Enjoy :)

“Fuck no.” Sakura exclaimed when they approached the group. Their friends were already there and split up in little groups. Lee, Naruto, and Chouji were talking to each other animatedly, with Chouji chuckling as Naruto and Lee were gesticulating vigorously about something. Tenten, Ino, and Hinata were forming another group with a stranger Sakura had no recollection of ever having talked to. The sense of dread inside of her, however, told her that she was about to get to know him a lot better. She didn’t like that. At all.

“Looks like I’m not the only one suffering tonight. Wanna bet she just met him ‘by chance’ and decided to ‘just invite him along’ because ‘the more the merrier’?” he said, using his index and middle finger as air quotes at just the right places. She almost laughed out loud if it weren’t for the sense of defeat that started to sneak up on her.

“That’s a sucker bet. I’m not taking that one.” She said, pouting, and stopped walking, hoping that their friends wouldn’t notice them just yet so she could put together a plan that would ensure her escape of tonight’s event.

“At least she hasn’t invited Temari, I count that as a win.”

“Well I’m leaving, have fun.” She turned around but his hand shot out so quickly, it was only discernable as a blur before it took hold of her arm.

“Stay. It’s going to be fun.”, he said in his most flat tone of voice that promised the exact opposite of what he said. Sakura’s eyes locked with his’ with what she hoped was an expression of pure torture.

She didn’t understand why Ino kept introduction people to her event though she knew that Sakura was averse to dating. She had told Ino more than once that she wasn’t feeling up to having a relationship and that she was quite content being single. But Ino had kept ignoring her, and setting her up with random men she thought would fit.

The problem was that all of them had been so flat and completely without presence. She didn’t shiver in excitement when she was in their presence. Her heart didn’t beat in anticipation, her blood didn’t run hot in her veins due to the obvious attraction she felt for her opposite. No she had mostly felt…underwhelmed.

They had all somehow managed to simultaneously bore her with their lackluster stories and unsettled by their misplaced admiration and worshipping of her deeds during the war. She had felt like they had tried to be someone they were not, as if they had thought that they had to behave a certain way around her, which in turn had made her even more apprehensive to get to know them.

She didn’t want them to change their personalities or hide their thoughts and opinions. She wanted to actually meet a person who had the confidence to stand up to her, and keep her on her toes. She had pleaded with Ino to stop setting her up, but that had obviously fallen on deaf ears.

Sakura looked with an expression she hoped said ‘even if, by some miracle, me having a blind date in front of all my friends would prevent Kaguya’s resurrection, I wouldn’t even consider doing it’.

“It might be fun for you, but it will be pure torture for me. I don’t want to have a blind date in front of all my friends. I don’t want to have a blind date - end of story. I didn’t even want to come tonight.” she knew she was whining like a child that had been denied its favorite candy, but she hoped her expression conveyed how much she wasn’t going for this. Even if her date would somehow prevent Kaguya’s resurrection, she wouldn’t even consider doing it, so averse to the idea she was.

“I’ll make it up to you, I need you to keep Ino in check.” She grimaced at the thought of not only having to deal with a blind date in front of her friends, but also having to deal with the most annoying person that even put Naruto’s enthusiasm to shame.

“Well this is becoming even more torturous by the second. Tell me again why I should stay?”, she said all the while she discreetly tried to pry her arm away from him in the hopes to still make a dash for it. His grip was iron clad, and she gave up after a few seconds.

“I’ll be forever thankful to you.” She raised her eyebrow unimpressed. “I’ll buy you dango for a week?” Her ears perked up at the mention of her favorite dessert, and his eyes twinkled in satisfaction at her reaction.

“Half a year.” She wouldn’t just give it to him. If she was going to be tortured, she was going to have him work for it.

“Two weeks.” He shot back just as fast, driving a hard bargain. But she knew she had the upper hand in this, so she wouldn’t give in just yet.

“Three months and two Ramen dinners.”

“I thought Naruto threw you off ramen for life?” he asked her confused and a bit surprised at the mention of her teammate’s favorite food.

“What can I say, it grows on you.”

“One month of free dango and one Ramen dinner. That’s my last offer.” He said more than a bit exasperated. She was sure if he just so held himself back from saying ‘troublesome woman’.

“Deal.” She smiled triumphantly and he chuckled. He let go of her arm, and she rubbed the spot he had gripped as if it hurt. It didn’t really, she wasn’t such a baby, and he knew it by the knowing look he threw her. But she had won this round. Even though she hated that she had to endure a whole evening preventing Ino from drilling a hole into Shikamaru’s brain, she knew it was worth it for a constant supply of free dango.

“Sakura! Shikamaru! Over here!” Ino screamed, waving an arm back and forth as if the group wasn’t conspicuous enough. They continued their approach towards the group and split up. Shikamaru joined the men, while Sakura was ushered towards the girls. After a few friendly hugs, Ino practically shoved the stranger into Sakura’s face, and she took an uncomfortable step back when she could feel his breath on her face.

She suppresses a shudder of discomfort and plastered a smile on her face she hoped didn’t look as uncomfortable as she felt.

“This is Daiki, he’s a chuunin interning at the T&I department. He’s kind of my charge, so I invited him along, and the more the merrier right? Daiki, this is Sakura.” Daiki turned what would normally be considered an adorable red as he introduced himself with a little stutter. Sakura had never liked shy men, had gone from arrogant sociopath to arrogant genius, which said a lot about the kind of type she went for. Unfortunately, since Lee, she had become completely turned off by the goody-two shoes type of man, so not even a small part of her felt excited by that kind of introduction.

Sakura kept the smile on her face, her muscles already hurting from the exertion, and nodded at him in a way she hoped would show an appropriate amount of distance for it to not be immediately rude. She then turned to Tenten and asked her how she was, immediately putting a stop to any conversation that could have arisen between Daiki and her.

Ino looked a little troubled and then loudly proclaimed that they should all go inside. Somehow, she managed to usher everyone into the bar in such a way that Daiki sat opposite Sakura, with Shikamaru at her side who had Ino facing him.

The bar was packed full of shinobi, who sat in groups of two to four people. Their group was the biggest in the room, and the waiters had to push together two tables, so they were all able to sit closer to each other. The arrangement was a bit annoying though, because it made it virtually impossible for her to talk to anyone that wasn’t sat right next or opposite her. Well, she could talk to the others, but then she would have to raise her voice so it was discernable over the loud noise of the pub, which in turn would disturb others around them.

Sakura knew that Ino cleverly planned this so she could interrogate Shikamaru, and at the same time make sure that the only person she could talk to was Daiki. And because she had placed herself right next to Daiki, she could always intervene and keep the conversation, and therefore the date, going if necessary.

She didn’t understand why Ino thought it was so necessary to set her up with someone. Logically she knew Ino cared about her and only did this because she wanted Sakura to be happy, but Sakura hadn’t been able to shed that irrational doubt and fear that one day Ino would once again hurt her like she had during her childhood. And Ino kept pushing and pushing people at her, and Sakura hated confrontation, hated to have a smile plastered on her face even when she felt so angry at Ino for not accepting that Sakura wasn’t like her.

The waitress had brought their shots in the meantime and placed them in the middle of the table and then bustled off to serve another customer. Feeling her mood plummeting at the thoughts, Sakura immediately downed the first shot when it arrived before anyone had the chance to clink glasses. This, in turn, made Daiki hesitate, which provided her with ample opportunity to steal his shot and down it as well. Sakura had enough experience with these arranged blind dates to know how to effectively rattle her opposites in such a way that made them feel as uncomfortable as possible.

Daiki was probably a good guy. Nice. Maybe a bit too shy for someone who worked in interrogation, judging by the uncomfortable fidgeting that was going on, and the occasional glance that screamed ‘help’ he sent to Ino next to him. Ino didn’t see it, because she was too busy looking at her a bit speechless, something that was a first even for Sakura. Shikamaru had only raised a brow in amusement and offered her his shot as well, and she downed that one as well. While she had felt the burn of the first and second shot, the third had slid down her throat without leaving a trace, and Sakura could feel a pleasant warmth spreading in her chest.

Ino, who had apparently overcome her speechlessness when Sakura had downed Shikamaru’s shot, motioned for the waiter to bring more shots. She opened her mouth and took a deep breath and her eyes were now solely focused on Shikamaru as if he were the most delectable prey. Shikamaru, seeing his friend inhale in what he knew was the beginning of a long and uncomfortable interrogation poke Sakura in the thigh in alarm. Sighting, Sakura shifted her gaze from still blushing Daiki, to calculating Ino and struck.

“So Ino, a bird told me that you and Chouji are planning to move, what is all that about?” Sakura had heard that particular tidbit from the nurses, who liked, above all else, to gossip about everything and everyone in the village. Well, except when it concerned patient’s health, because if they dared spread confidential information to anyone not privy to it, they would get their asses fired faster than they could summon chakra to their hands.

Ino had, at the unexpected question, deflated a bit, the glint in her eyes disappearing as she turned her head towards Sakura a bit confused about the interruption. “Ah yeah we’re looking for a bigger apartment, because the one we’re living in was built for only one person in mind after all.”

“Any luck?” The shots had arrived, and Sakura didn’t drink this one until after they all had clinked their glasses. Shikamaru took the opportunity to talk to his neighbor, who turned out to be Naruto to his immense luck and was immediately drawn into an elaborate discussion about the benefits of an age restriction for ANBU.

Ino ordered mojitos and more shots for the girls while the guys ordered various beers and drinks themselves. Then Ino launched into a very detailed and very boring description of her apartment hunting adventure with Chouji. Chouji, who was sitting beside Ino and had an arm slung over her shoulder, hummed and nodded at the appropriate moments, having perfected the art of minimal conversational input that kept Ino happy and going for _hours_.

It seemed they had one other person on their side. Silently she thanked Chouji for his support.

Daiki became more and more uncomfortable as the evening wore on, sneaking the occasional glance at the door probably wondering when an opportunity to escape would provide itself. She couldn’t blame him, because she was probably the most atrocious date he would ever have. His wish was fulfilled sooner rather than later, it seemed, when a Shinobi entered the bar and came straight to their table.

“Yamanaka-san, there’s been an emergency!” he said in a loud voice full of vigor and completely ignoring the drinks and empty shot glasses that had started to pile up on their table. In Sakura’s opinion no one should work after having drunk as much as they had, but who was she to judge?

“Ehh, can’t someone else do it? I’ve something important to do here, ya know?” Shikamaru flinched and Sakura almost spluttered out the mojito she had taken a sip from just a few seconds ago when his hand painfully gripped her thigh. _Keep it together. Keep it together, you don’t want to explain why you overacted later, right?_

Sakura was already on the way to drunk, if not having pretty much arrived there already. As was Ino, judging by the slur in her voice. Again, she wondered how any responsible Shinobi could ever ask her to go back to duty. It was obvious that she couldn’t perform them when drunk, after all, any jutsu involving the mind needed precise chakra control on top of high mental capacity.

“Ino-Senpai, don’t worry, I’ll take care of it!” Daiki said with renewed vigor and something akin to desperation and stood up and followed the man out of the bar.

“Wha- Daiki?! Wait, you’re supposed to- “, Ino spluttered confused by his sudden departure and looked at Sakura in exasperation.

“You’re a bitch, you know that? I invited him for your sake!”, she started to complain, and in a way that suggested that Sakura better be thankful for all the effort she put into the evening. Sakura felt her anger from the beginning of the evening return at full force, her face heating with the rush of emotion.

“I never asked you to.”

“Yeah well, if I don’t interfere, then nothing will ever happen in your life. You haven’t dated anyone in a little less than a year.” Ino grumbled. Sakura took a big gulp of her mojito to hide her irritation. Again Sakura wondered what right Ino had to decide that the way she lived was wrong and that she needed this intervention from her blonde friend to live a better life. What was so wrong with not dating? “I don’t know why you-“

“Ino.” Shikamaru admonished her and she looked at him as if betrayed. Her face too was flushed, with irritation or anger Sakura didn’t know.

“What the fuck, you’re taking her side in this?” she said in a loud voice now, and Sakura noticed that others in the bar were curiously looking in their direction. Shinobi: trained in combat from childhood, feared for their ability to kill without leaving a trace; also known as the most curious and gossip-horny creatures in the whole world.

“Why I’ve what Ino?” Sakura’s mind had become clouded because of all the booze and therefore didn’t stop her from continuing an argument she knew would escalate. But she was itching for a fight now, and she would get it. 

“Why you’ve become such a stuck-up bitch who’s afraid of life. I mean we get it! The war was horrible and all that but get over yourself.” The bar was completely silent now. Sakura felt scalding hot rage bubble in her stomach. And it hurt as well, because she knew it was true, but it was cruel to be told by someone she considered a friend.

For the second time her friend had completely derailed her and had proved once again that Sakura was such a fool for thinking it wouldn’t happen again. She couldn’t help feeling ashamed the argument had taken place in such a public place, where everyone could hear it, and knew that come morning everyone would be talking about how Sakura had trouble adjusting to life after war.

“Ino.” Shikamaru said angrily, and this time Ino seemed to realize that she had messed up because she stayed silent. But what was done was done, and Sakura decided she had had enough.

“I don’t even know why I bother with you anymore.”, Sakura said to Ino and stood up, drank one of the shots that was in her vicinity but had yet to be drunk by anyone, and set it down a little more insistently than was absolutely necessary. The clunk of the glass echoed through the room, and the table rattled by the unnecessary force she had put into the motion, but she couldn’t really be bothered about the lack of control that was brought on by her alcohol muddled mind.

She turned around and stumbled uncharacteristically and made her way out of the bar. Behind her she could hear Shikamaru following her and calling her name.

“Sakura, wait!” She continued walking, the night air hitting her heated skin as she made her way back to her apartment. Somewhere in her alcohol-addled brain she knew she couldn’t outrun him because he stayed at her apartment, but she wasn’t exactly thinking rationally, so she kept walking quickly.

Shikamaru caught up to her and caught her arm. “Listen Sakura, Ino didn’t mean it-”

“Yeah sure, it’s not like alcohol makes us lose all inhibition and tell the truth.” She said sarcastically. “Oh, wait, that’s exactly what it does.” She wretched her arm out from his grasp and continued on, although in a more sedate pace than before. “I guess the deal’s off. I was looking forward to the dango too.”

“A deal’s a deal and I intend to keep it.”

“Look at you all manly, good for you!” she said in fake cheer that sounded more bitter than anything else, but she still felt hurt by Ino’s words. She was afraid that any minute now she would burst into tears, and she didn’t want to do that with Shikamaru there.

“Yeah look where it got me, I’m about to break up with my girlfriend I thought was going to be t _he one_ , and instead of being devastated I’m actually relieved. What kind of man does that make me?” Sakura stopped walking and looked at him. She could detect a faint blush, which she knew from experience was brought out by the booze. But there in his eyes she could see it faintly. Sadness. Shame.

Once again, she was reminded of the fact that he was going through a tough time, and that her drama with Ino was honestly laughable compared to his relationship problems.

Sakura sighed and looked up at the sky, and saw the moon shining brightly already halfway full, or empty, however you wanted to look at it. “A normal one, who thinks and feels for himself. It isn’t shameful to fail Shikamaru.” His admission had effectively dispersed her feelings of anger, although the shame was still there, along with a heavy bunch of melancholy.

She remembered her life in Infinite Tsukuyomi. In their seven-year relationship there had been plenty of fights. And during the one year she had actually lived, there had been so many up and downs, and there had been this one time when all of it had been too much, when she had thought it would all end.

_“-I promised you on our wedding day that I would take care of you, from now on until the end of our days. I promised to be always true to you. I promised to stand by your side no matter what. And I keep my promises.”_ An older version of Shikamaru stood in front of her, his voice was frantic, and his expression pinched with worry. He looked so desperate, and she remembered this scene now, plain as day, along with the raw hurt and betrayal she had felt then. Weeks of unsureness had culminated into this one moment, when the dam had finally burst and she had had no more energy to fight.

_“What’s the point of keeping those promises if you don’t love me? The whole point of a marriage is to be with the one you love Shikamaru! I just don’t think-, I can’t do this anymore…”_ Sakura heard her other self say, with a voice that sounded so much more mature, but also so tired and sad that it made her heart squeeze in sympathy.

_“Sakura don’t do this! Baby I love you, why can’t you see that?”_

_“Mom? Dad?”_

_“Shikadai, honey, please go back to your room-“_ The older version of Shikamaru disappeared as if it had never even been there to begin with. And Sakura was left feeling the burden of that memory, her heart heavy, her stomach churning.

The Infinite Tsukuyomi had shown a perfect future. But it had not been perfect because it showed a world of pure joy that was deprived of any kind of strife. No, it had been perfect _exactly_ because there was hurt and sadness and obstacles she had to overcome in order to experience that undiluted feeling of accomplishment, happiness, and contentedness. It had been a realistic version of life. A better version of her life.

Shaking her head to clear the fake memory, she already felt too sober for the conversation she knew her friend needed now more than ever. He seemed to have made a choice, and so she should be there to support him, no matter how she was feeling at the moment. She tugged at his arm and motioned for him to follow her.

They arrived at her apartment in silence and she dropped her bag in the hallway tiredly. She went into the kitchen, took out two glasses and a bottle of chilled plum wine, and sat down next to him on the couch. She poured the drink into the glasses and then took hers and cradled it between her hands. Shikamaru accepted his without much resistance and smiled at her in thanks. Sakura took a few gulps from the drink before she started to speak.

It gave her courage to talk. She didn’t see why everyone was so fixed on this idea of having a perfect family. Why was there shame of failing a relationship? Why did they have to pretend that everything was perfect, that they were happy? Relationships didn’t work that way. Not that she was an expert.

“So…you made up your mind?” Sakura tried hard not to slur the words, but she thought that she sort of failed at that.

“Yeah. I mean, I guess I knew from the beginning how I would make up my mind. It’s just… _accepting_ it was hard. Things haven’t been…right for a long time.” So he had needed time to acclimate to the decision. And Ino, who always badgered him to getting back to her kept him from that. She sighed. She should be happy, right? Finally, the man she had the hots for was going to be single. But things weren’t that easy.

People didn’t just get out of a long-term relationship only to get back into another one. And Shikamaru was someone who moved at a slow pace, always thinking of all the angles, so he wouldn’t just throw himself into another relationship.

There was also the fact that he probably didn’t even see her as a woman. He had probably never thought of her that way either. She had always been a friend to him. Maybe even less than that, because she had kept her distance from him after the war.

“Ya know, no relationship is perfect. No matter how perfect it seems on the ou’side, sometimes there are cracks so deep sometimes it makes you wonder how it hasn’t broken already.” Sakura emptied her glass and poured herself another and then placed her head on the back of the couch, because the room had started spinning, and her head felt suddenly too heavy to support. As she looked at her ceiling, she thought that it looked weird, like it wasn’t what it was supposed to be. But even as she thought about how it should look, she couldn’t find an answer.

“They all smile and laugh and pretend to be peeerfectly happy, but on the inside they’re all freakin’ out abou’ the weirdes’ stuff. Ya kno’” Sakura waved her hand in the air and then let it flop down on the couch because it felt weirdly heavy and she didn’t have the strength to keep it in the air any longer.

“I have a feeling we’re not talking about me anymore.”, he said in a serious tone and she looked sideways because it was suddenly very hard to move her head. He was looking at her with a weird expression that she couldn’t quite decipher.

Of course they were talking about him. The whole speech was about cheering him up, couldn’t he tell?

“Wha?”

“You know I’ve always wondered-“, she looked at him sideways again and tried lifting a brow as a response but she didn’t know if she succeeded. She took another sip from her glass, “-what happened between you and Lee that made you swear off relationships?” The question caught her off guard. She hadn’t ever talked about that relationship with anyone. She didn’t know how much Lee talked about their three months together with his male friends.

But Sakura, she had kept quiet, had never responded to the curious questions form her friends. And then, Tenten and Lee had started dating, and she had congratulated them without any hard feelings. And somehow, everyone had moved on from then, which was fine for Sakura.

“It’s not like that, it’s just I’ve realized that they’re no good for me? Ya know, I thought I should try it with someone who was so in love with me, because what could go wrong, righ’?”, she took another sip from the glass and finished it, and he took it from her and put it on the table, but it was too fast for her to follow with her eyes. And he didn’t give it back to her again and she thought that was rude. Wasn’t it polite to refill the glass at least a bit?

“But in the end, he wasn’t in love with me, he was in love with a perfect Sakura, and I’m not perfect, so he wasn’ in love with me? I ended it because it didn’ feel good to be always lacking, ya know?” Shikamaru had hummed as a response, but she hadn’t pondered it much. She thought back on what had finally made up her mind to break it off with Lee.

His false expectations had made her feel more and more anxious every time she met up with Lee. She didn’t think he had noticed how much she had withdrawn from him, but in the end it had been a simple kiss that had put her over the edge. She hadn’t felt anything, not a twinge of attraction, and it had felt more like she had kissed a stranger than anything else. She had broken up with him the next day.

_“You remember the first time we kissed? We got completely wasted and you started telling me how sexy and fuckable I am. It was amusing to see how you lost all brain to mouth filter when you’re drunk. Not that I was any different, but sometimes I miss the drunk you.”_ Sakura turned around so she was facing a smiling older Shikamaru who had his head propped on his hand, amusement dancing in his eyes.

_“You totally took advantage of me when you kissed me.”_ She heard her other self say cheekily, and Shikamaru puffed out his chest in mock protest.

_“As I remember it **you** took advantage of **my** drunken self when you threw yourself at me and kissed me.”_

_“Wha-, you’re a lying liar who lies, and you know it!”_ Sakura knew in the back of her mind that this was probably her subconscious warning her about not revealing too much. She blinked and the voices gradually disappeared, other Shikamaru’s chuckle echoing throughout the room like an unsettling reminder before it eventually faded. She blinked and then was overcome with sudden dizziness and brought a hand up to the side of her head in an effort to stop the room from spinning.

“Hey, you okay?”, she heard him ask and he brought hand to the other side of her face.

“Yeah, jus’ dizzy, I think I had enough booze for tonight.” She looked up at him and froze. His face was right there in front of her, only separated by a few inches at most. He was looking at her with an intense expression and his eyes flickered downwards a few times before looking back up.

“Yeah, I think- “. His head closed the distance slowly, his eyes returning to her eyes every so often as if to ask for permission, “-we both have had enough for tonight.” He whispered, and his breath touched her lips like a soft caress. She felt frozen, unable to move toward or away from him, she just sat there as he approached her, inch by inch.

Then his lips were on hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger, but I don't feel sorry at all. This is a looong chapter, so I had to cut it here. 
> 
> We have finally arrived at the moment, some of you have felt a bit anxious about the cheating thing, so yeah, this and next chapter will deal with that! Tell me what you think about this chapter in the comments (I'm really not sure about this one...)
> 
> Until next week!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This weeks chapter is a bit shorter, but there's some action (mainly because I cut off at the juicy part last week)!
> 
> Enjoy :)

If Sakura had to choose one thing about the other Shikamaru that she liked the most, it would be the way he kissed. Whenever other Shikamaru kissed her, it was not something he did carelessly or with only half of a mind, but it was something he did with such utter devotion and complete abandon it made your skin tingle with anticipation and desire.

They didn’t kiss the same. It shouldn’t have surprised Sakura, after all, her husband had been a construct of her mind whose sole purpose was to keep her happy and fooled in a world that was fake in every degree.

Sakura had never kissed anyone before her husband. Or Lee, if one didn’t count the Infinite Tsukuyomi experience. Sakura _loved_ kissing, and sometimes she couldn’t get enough of her husband’s kisses, so much that, sometimes he would chuckle at her insistence and call her a glutton for kisses. She hadn’t minded that at all, because she was, and she loved those moments in between, when he would surprise her by kissing her deeply, when no one was looking.

Kissing Shikamaru now reminded her of those times, it felt new and old at the same time. As at the first hesitant press of his lips against hers, Sakura’s eyes first widened in surprise, because her head still felt fuzzy and heavy from all the alcohol she had imbibed, and for a second she didn’t _comprehend_.

And the next second, her eyelids fluttered shut as she relaxed into his touch, and his hand slid to the back of her head to grasp her hair. She didn’t have the strength to resist this temptation, and she didn’t know why she should, when he had been the one who had made the first step. So, she did what anyone would do in this situation: she opened her lips slightly and returned the pressure.

For what felt like eons, they stayed like that, their lips pressed together, and she thought he would stop kissing her, because he stopped moving against her. She could feel his breath against her lips, and she was just about to lean back when his hand on the back of her head tightened its hold and pushed her more firmly against him as he took her bottom lip between his teeth and nibbled at it.

Her heart pumped wildly in her chest, and she felt butterflies in her stomach. This was what she had been missing all those times she had tried to date. This sensation of being lifted onto clouds, and having shivers run through her body towards her center. Shikamaru pressed her head even closer and she automatically leaned her head a bit sideways, so they fit more perfectly, and opened her lips when she felt the tip of his tongue tease her bottom lip.

She lifted her hands from where they had landed almost forgotten in her lap and moved them up his arm and then to his chest to grip his shirt in a desperate attempt to hold on.

The kiss felt like more like a seduction than anything else. It was slow and tender and everything Sakura wanted, _needed_ , but was denied after coming out of the Infinite Tsukuyomi.

His tongue teased hers, flickering against it only to withdraw and renew the dance. It made her feel hot and desperately wanting for more, and her hands moved up in search of a better hold, around his neck to the back of his head, pushing him harder against her. She felt a tightness form deep inside of her stomach, and she felt warmth pool in between her legs.

She felt like she was drowning, and she wanted to stay submerged in this pleasant sensation, no she _needed_ to stay submerged because she didn’t think that she could live without this any longer. Even though she kept holding him against her desperately, he seemed less affected than her, and he kept up the slow and gentle probing with his tongue. It was sweet, and overwhelming and _familiar_.

She didn’t know how long they kissed, how long their breaths mingled until it became too difficult to distinguish between them. She wasn’t aware of how long they kept mapping each other’s mouth with their tongues, but gradually her brain started to catch up to their activity, and no matter how right it felt, the wrongness of when and why they were doing it finally reached her.

With a pang she realized that Shikamaru had a girlfriend, and even if he had expressed his desire to break up with her, it was no excuse to do this to her. Because no matter what, they were still together, and doing this was not, in any way, acceptable.

Realizing her mistake, Sakura pushed him away and stood up, feeling more than a little dizzy and slightly sick at what she had done. How could she have done this? The sweet kiss had left her with only bitterness on her tongue. She brought a hand up to her head to keep the fog out of her mind, so she could articulate just how absolutely wrong it was to do this.

“N-no, we shouldn’t be doing this. This is-, it’s wrong. I’m not….” Shikamaru was looking at her with a blank expression, before it changed into that of horrific realization. It felt like thousands of needles were piercing her heart as she watched the emotions, she had just felt displayed on his face. She could see the regret in his eyes, and she swallowed thickly and shoved the disappointment deep down. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”, he apologized, but what was done was done, and she had a feeling it would change everything between them. It had felt so good, but she was reminded once more how utterly unattainable he was. Saddened by this, she looked everywhere but him.

“Sakura-“, he started to say but she cut him off. She didn’t want to deal with this right now. Or ever, if she had her way.

“I- I’m going to bed. Good night.” She didn’t wait for his reply as she fled to her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She slid down the door and buried her head in her hands and tried hard not to cry as she remembered the horrified expression on his face.

Moonlight was streaming in from her window above her bed, bathing the room into silvery light. She touched her lips with the tips of her finger and closed her eyes, remembering the sensation of his lips moving against hers. It was a scenario she had never thought would come true in this lifetime, but here she was reliving it.

With a sigh she went to lie in her bed, knowing full well that it would be a few hours at least until she would fall into a restless sleep.

Sakura awoke with the sensation of a hand caressing her belly. At first, she thought that somehow in his drunken state Shikamaru had crawled into her bed behind her, but then she heard the distorted voice and knew it was just another one of her vision.

 _“Should we think of some names already? You’ve only just started your second trimester but somehow I can’t wait for this baby to be born into our family.”_ The fingers ghosting over her belly should not feel this real, nor should the slow tender kisses he placed on her shoulder blade, yet here she was, breaking out in goosebumps because of them.

 _“I don’t think it’s silly. Do you…do you think it’s a girl this time?”_ Sakura turned onto her back instinctually, because she had _lived_ this moment, even though it was just in a dream. And even though she knew what she would find there was fake, she still craved to see it anyway. Shikamaru had his elbow propped on the bed and was regarding her with a lazy smile. Sakura felt a pang of sadness in her heart at the loss of it all, her baby, her child, her husband.

 _“I can see it now, a miniature Sakura running around the house, terrorizing Shikadai.”_ Sakura could see a translucent hand hit his chest and he pretended to be hurt as he captured it with his own and pressed kisses on its palm.

 _“He’d adore her but pretend otherwise, and then he’d do everything to make her happy, and you know it.”_ Other Shikamaru pressed an affectionate kiss on her cheek and nuzzled her neck.

 _“He wouldn’t be the only one. I will love them no matter what they turn out to be.”_ The vision of him started to fade into the background until there was nothing left but the ache inside her chest.

A wave of exhaustion overcame her, and she groaned in pain at the pounding in her head. Morning had come but it had definitely punched her in the head and then put her through a meat grinder because she not only felt like shit, she also somehow tasted death in her mouth.

She stood up and immediately sat down when a wave of nausea hit her and took a moment to just breathe in and out of her mouth until the dizziness had abated enough. She took a few tentative steps and when nothing happened, she opened her door and headed for the kitchen. She started up the coffee machine and then sat down at the table and put her head in her hands, waiting for the machine to do its miracle work.

Her head was still pounding, but she was too out of it too heal it just yet.

She didn’t know how long she just sat there, but suddenly she felt a nudge at her arm, and when she looked up, she saw Shikamaru holding two cups of coffee. She avoided his eyes and took one, and he sat down opposite her.

“Thanks.” She said while she started to nurse her coffee like one would a pint in a bar. It was still too hot to drink like that anyway, so she would use it as a hand warmer instead.

“You’re welcome. How are you feeling?” She looked down at her cup like it held the answer to all her questions before looking at him for the first time.

He looked like she felt, some of his hair was sticking out of his usually neat ponytail that told her he had slept with it still in place. He had dark bags under his eyes that spoke of the sleeplessness she too had experienced that night.

“Like I’m never drinking again.” She grumbled, trying hard not to think of the events that had transpired last night. He chuckled and then winced at the pain that action brought him. She wasn’t the only one hungover.

“Yeah.”, he said with such utter conviction, she believed him. “So about last night…” he started to speak hesitantly without completing the sentence. He didn’t have to. It was obvious what he meant with ‘last night’.

Sakura froze in her seat while he looked at her with a serious expression “What about it? Nothing happened.”, she said with finality, and took a big gulp, the hot coffee burning her tongue, but she didn’t wince at the pain. Instead, she welcomed the distraction it brought.

“So, we just…pretend nothing happened?” Sakura grabbed the mug with more force than necessary, but she needed to maintain her nonchalant expression. Even if it hurt her saying the words. Even if those words were a lie. But she needed to say them, because she didn’t want to talk about why they had done that, or what it meant.

“Yes, I think that’s the best course of action. We were drunk, and it didn’t mean anything.”

Not to him anyway.

“Yeah…alright.” They silently sipped their coffee, and then they took turns showering. Sakura’s mind repeatedly returned to the moment from last night, and she felt like she was going crazy, so she decided to go outside while he was still in the shower.

She wandered around mindlessly for an hour or so, until she found a sturdy oak tree on a hill and lay in its shadow. She felt exhausted, courtesy of the huge hangover and lack of sleep she had gotten last night, so she closed her eyes and tried to doze for a few minutes.

She didn’t know what she was going to do now. She felt like she couldn’t look him in the eyes. Even though she had said they should pretend like nothing happened, she felt like things wouldn’t be that easy.

And it wasn’t like she could escape the situation either. He lived, although temporarily, in her apartment, thus, making avoiding him rather an impossible feat to achieve.

She opened her eyes to see the rustling leaves of the oak tree, and through some of the spaces in between, she could see the white of some cloud’s overhead. How she wished she could be a cloud right now, and stop all this worrying and thinking, and just be free of all these difficult feelings.

She felt a familiar chakra signature approaching from her right, and when she turned her head, she saw Sai holding a big canvas with a bag slung over his shoulders. She waited for him to reach her before greeting him.

He sat down next to her and started sketching. “What are you painting?”

“Just a raw draft of the village from this vantage point.”

“How do you know what to draw? Whenever I’m in front of a blank canvas it feels like all the ideas and thoughts I had previously about a painting vanish into thin air, leaving only a blank space behind.”

“I don’t. I just start sketching what’s in front of me and then go from there.” It sounded so easy when he said it like that. She somehow wished she could start all over with a blank canvas. She wondered not for the first time if things would be different if she just hadn’t had that experience in the Infinite Tsukuyomi.

Would she have been able to move on from that dream, from having a crush on her friend that seemed impossible to be reciprocated?

“Maybe I’m just too narrow-minded for this activity.”, she lamented not for the first time. In the beginning she had whined about how she didn’t know what to draw to him, but Sai had kept reassuring her that it was normal and that she didn’t need to know from the beginning what she would draw. That once she started, the painting would paint itself.

“I think that sometimes, you overthink the simplest of things. Sometimes, it’s easier to just follow your gut feeling.” Sakura thought they weren’t talking about paintings anymore. But with Sai, it wasn’t that easy to say. She didn’t know how much he knew about her dilemma, or her feelings, but sometimes she suspected he knew more than he let on.

“I don’t trust my instincts.”

“I know.” They stayed like this for a few minutes, until Sai put away the canvas, and gathered his things in his bag. “Come on, let’s go eat some lunch. My treat.” She smiled at him in thanks and took his outstretched hand.

Talking to Sai always lifted her spirits. She knew that whenever she had a problem, she could go to him and talk to him. He would listen without judgment, and then tell her what he thought of it. But he wouldn’t push her into a decision.

With Naruto, or Ino, everything had a solution. It was black and white, and either you did something to change it, or you didn’t. But Sai knew from experience that it wasn’t that way. Nothing was black and white, instead, the world was tinged in lots of different grey tones.

That’s how the world looked to her.

Together they made their way back to the village.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? It ended with a kiss, did you want it to be more (I did, sorta, but Shikamaru's still in a relationship so that's a no-go for me...)  
> Thanks for your comments! I see that you are coming up with your theories of what's going to happen, and I really enjoy reading all of them (also I might take some ideas and incorporate them, who knows?).  
> If you liked this chapter, don't forget to hit the kudos button or write a comment!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another week, another chapter. I'm much more satisfied with this one. Also, this one is a bit longer than the last one too, so there's that.  
> Thank you all for your comments and your continuous support. It's so much fun to write when there's so many people who like it!
> 
> Enjoy :)

Walking through the village felt strange. When she had walked to the oak in the morning, because she had been too preoccupied with last night’s events. But now, she not only noticed the stares, she felt them like thousands of insects were crawling up and down her body, making her hairs stand on end.

As Sakura walked down the street next to Sai, she saw clearly how some avoided her eyes as they started whispering with their neighbors, others…weren’t that considerate. At first she thought they had somehow gotten wind of her and Shikamaru’s kiss, and that it was only a matter of time until Temari would march down the street, her signature fan spread wide for one of her deadly wind attacks.

Then she remembered her very public altercation with Ino yesterday, and almost breathed a sigh in relief. That didn’t mean she liked being stared at, but it made it more bearable, knowing that no one knew she had kissed Shikamaru yesterday.

That would be a disaster.

Still, she kept her head down, and if Sai noticed her speeding up her steps, he didn’t mention it.

 _“Do you think Dad will make it?”_ Sakura discreetly looked to her side to see her translucent son walking next to her, his arms folded behind his head in a relaxed manner which screamed Shikamaru. Or other Shikamaru. It was honestly starting to be very confusing.

 _“I’m not sure he’ll make it this time Shikadai, he hasn’t returned from his mission yet.”_ Sakura could hear the worry and something akin to loneliness in her voice.

 _“It’s fine either way. A birthday party sounds too much like a drag, can’t we just…not do it?”_ She remembered this moment from her dream. It had been during one of her rough patches in her marriage, when she had been lonely and unhappy because of Shikamaru acting distant towards her. He had never said anything that alluded to him being unhappy, but his actions and behavior had spoken differently. At least, that was what Sakura was led to believe.

She still felt somewhat angry thinking about that particular incident that had almost led to her marriage’s downfall. Even if that marriage was very much something that hadn’t happened. But still, the way Shikamaru’s actions had not only affected her but also Shikadai had more than enraged her. Shikadai had tried to hide it, but he had felt his father’s absence, and in that instance, he had secretly hoped that Shikamaru would make it to his birthday.

He had, but still, it had been a close call.

Sakura stopped in her tracks as the pounding in her head suddenly increased, and she closed her eyes while massaging her temples.

“Sakura, are you alright?” Sai asked worriedly, and she knew he was reminded of the time when she had collapsed from overwork. Back then, she had had these kinds of dizzy spells as well, though they had been much worse. One time, she had felt so nauseous she had feared she would faint right there in the street. She had taken a seat in a café and ordered a sweetened tea to raise her blood sugar.

The pounding in her head now was more because of last night’s escapade than overwork. And the stressful situation she had gotten herself into when she had let Shikamaru sleep over.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just hungover from last night.” They continued, albeit at a much slower pace than before, and they stopped at the Ramen stand. There were still many seats available so the two of them took a seat next to each other.

“So, have you gone on another date with Kaneko yet?” Sai smiled briefly before his expression turned once again emotionless.

“Yes. We walked around town for a bit and then I invited her to dinner. It was good.” Sakura smiled widely.

“Did…anything else happen?” Sai blushed, and she was so surprised it left her a little speechless. Sai was becoming more and more expressive with his emotions, and she had an inkling it had a lot to do with this Kaneko he had started to date. She was honestly so proud and happy for her friend. He deserved someone who loved him for who he was, and would accept him, emotionless and creepy smile included.

“We kissed.” Sai averted his eyes to the menu, and Sakura felt giddy on the inside. Just because she was very serious about being single didn’t mean she wished the same on her friends. And Sai obviously benefited a great deal from this relationship. She just hoped that this girl was serious about dating him.

“Wow, I’m so happy for you! So, you’re officially dating now?”

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.” She playfully bumped his shoulder lightly with her fist. Sai sometimes needed a little nudge into the right direction. He was still clueless when it came to social cues. Or flirting. Or anything that included an interaction with another human being.

“You know that a kiss is a big deal for a woman, right? She must already be thinking that you’re dating.” She accepted the ramen bowl from Teuchi and reached for some chopsticks.

“Is that how it works?” he had his gaze fixed behind her. But she didn’t mind, was actually glad that his eyes were focused somewhere else. Talking about kissing reminded her of last night’s kiss, and the tingling sensation it had elicited all over her body. The way his lips had so naturally moved against hers…

She angled her head sideways, trying hard to dispel the treacherous thoughts, “Yes well, it’s the first step in a relationship, and I’m guessing Kaneko is interested in you romantically, so it’s a big deal, I think?” His eyes flickered to her face. “Don’t tell me you kissed her without intending to date her?! I thought you liked her?”

“Yes, and I intend to date her.” he said seriously and broke apart his pair of wooden chopsticks. Honestly, what was his point in this conversation? Sometimes he could be so confusing.

“Good. You deserve to be happy.” With that she dug into her ramen.

“So, do you.” Before she could retort to that in any way, Sai dug into his meal and so she left it at that. It had been a while since she had thought about happiness. It wasn’t like she was unhappy, but the recent throwback on memory-lane had left her reeling. In the Infinite Tsukuyomi she had been happy. Even though it had been a fake world, it had still meant happiness.

Sakura sometimes wondered why it was so difficult to achieve happiness in reality. Maybe that was why people were seeking it so desperately, because it was such a rare commodity?

Eating had been the right choice. Sakura noticed how her energy returned, her headache as well had abated a bit after eating a hearty meal. She sincerely thanked Sai for inviting her for lunch and told him that they should do it again, next time along with Kaneko if she felt up to it.

He seemed quite happy about the invitation, so she knew it had been the right thing to do. They parted ways after the meal because he still had some things to do for his next mission he would depart for the next day, and Sakura decided to head home and try to meditate some, hoping that Shikamaru had work or something else to do.

She missed meditating. She had gotten used to the activity in the last few months, and the sudden flurry of activity in her life wasn’t helping her. Her neck felt unnaturally stiff as well, maybe a bath would be a good idea?

“Saaakura. Hey, wait up!” She turned around to wait for Naruto to catch up. He was waving his arm madly around as he screamed her name, and she almost pinched her brow in irritation. She had to suffer enough attention from the whole village even without someone screaming her name. Plastering a fake smile on her face she hoped didn’t show her annoyance, she greeted him as he stepped up next to her.

“Naruto, hey, what’s up?”

Sakura noted how long it had been since they had talked. He had been at the gathering last night, but because of Ino’s machinations she hadn’t had time to speak to him. They both were extremely busy with work as well, what with Naruto learning the ropes from Kakashi. She found she missed the easy interactions from their genin days, when everything was less complicated, and the world was still all black and white, not the different grey tones it carried now. But she supposed that was what happened when you grew up.

“Have you heard the news?” he asked her excitedly, brimming with energy and the obvious need to tell her about the news. For a moment, she imagined him with a dog’s tail wagging in excitement, and it fit so perfectly she had to repress a snort.

“What news?”

“Oh, so apparently Shikamaru broke up with Temari this morning.” Sakura halted in her steps. Three things happened. First, her heart started beating wildly in her chest at the thought of Shikamaru being an eligible bachelor once again. Second, she felt ashamed for being happy about her friend’s misery. Third, she started to break out in cold sweat because she was afraid that he had told Temari about last night’s kiss, and she was now considered the new femme fatale of the village.

Not that there actually was a femme fatale at the moment…

“Does anyone know why?” Even she heard the tremor in her voice, and while Naruto was called ‘gutsy ninja number 11’ and ‘most unpredictable menace’ in secret by everyone who knew him closely, observant he was not. Sakura had never felt so thankful for that in her life.

“Apparently there were quite a few. But Temari seemed to agree with him, and it looked like an amiable break-up.” Huh. She hadn’t expected that. By the way Shikamaru had looked so wrenched when he had knocked on her balcony rail it was a surprise that they had broken up amiably.

“Oh, great. Ah, I mean, it’s a shame that they couldn’t work out their differences.” Naruto looked at her with an understanding smile.

“Yeah, I guess they’ve been unhappy for some time, maybe now they can both move on. I know that Temari is definitely looking forward to going back to Suna.” Sakura’s head perked up at the news. So Naruto had seen this coming? He must have been the only one then, because she sure as hell hadn’t expected it. Though with the conversation from last night, before the kiss, she should have known better.

“Is she going back permanently then?”

“I guess so. Doesn’t make sense for her to stay here. And anyway, she’s always felt more at home in Suna than here. She always joked that there was too much green here, and that summer in Konoha would eventually kill her because of all the humidity.”, he chuckled, and she smiled. That sure sounded like the Temari she knew.

“There’s Lee, need to talk to him about a mission. Gotta go, see you around Sakura!” With that he ran off to meet Lee in one of the side streets, and Sakura continued on to her apartment.

There was no one home when she arrived, and she suspected Shikamaru must still be at the tower or with Temari. She wondered if he would sleep there from now on, but his backpack was still next to the couch, so she assumed he would at least return for it.

Sakura opened the balcony door and stepped outside. She tried meditating for a bit, but her heart wasn’t in it, and she gave up pretty quickly. The news about his breakup had shaken her up, and she wasn’t able to calm down enough. The guilt she felt over the kiss from yesterday didn’t help either.

She wondered if, once Shikamaru was gone, she could finally take up her usual routine again. She could feel the consequences of abandoning it already in the exhaustion that didn’t quite want to go away, or in her skittishness that seemed to penetrate her every movement.

And at the moment she worried that Shikamaru had told Temari about the kiss, or that she somehow had found out about her feelings for Shikamaru. It didn’t make sense to worry, because Naruto had mentioned that the break-up had ben amiable, but she couldn’t help it. She shouldn’t have given into her feelings, shouldn’t have let him close, but she had had one of her weak moments, and she blamed it all on Ino asking her to go drinking. It was easier to do that than to blame her own lack of discipline.

With a sigh she decided that she would take a bath to get rid of some of the tension in her muscles. She couldn’t remember when she had last taken a bath, but as soon as her whole body was encased by the soothing heat, she swore that she would do it more often. Sighing in bliss, Sakura closed her eyes.

 _“How are you feeling?”_ Sakura immediately opened her eyes to see a crouching older version of Shikamaru next to the bathtub. _“Is the baby giving you trouble again?”_ He asked her as he handed her some see-through orange juice.

“ _Definitely better now that I’m in the water. I swear, this baby is going to be the death of me.”_ She could see his translucent hand reach into the water to caress her stomach that had now reached epic proportions with eight months. Sakura remembered how _done_ she had been at that time in the pregnancy, and how she had _needed_ the baby to just get out. He chuckled, a low and soft rumble that made her hairs stand on end.

 _“I hope not, I don’t think I can deal with two children on my own.”_ He said wryly, but there was something serious in the way he said it, and she knew he worried about her health, especially with the complications that had started to occur during her pregnancy now. Shikadai’s birth as well hadn’t been the easiest either, being pregnant with him had been far easier than now.

 _“I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean it. It will be fine, you’ll see.”_ She said apologetically and lifted her hand so she could brush her fingers along his cheek in reassurance. He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm before he let her go.

And then he vanished into thin air. Sakura closed her eyes and let her hands wander to her flat stomach. Back in the dream she had become so annoyed with how huge she had grown, but now…she missed it, and the flat stomach just felt so wrong to her now.

Sakura wiped away the tears that had started falling without her noticing, and then decided she had had enough of the bath. Wrapping a big towel around herself, she strolled into the living room, not expecting to walk right into someone.

“Fuck, sorry. I didn’t see you there.” She apologized as she immediately secured her towel with her hands, because it had been sliding down precariously, and that was definitely not something she wished to happen. She felt two warm hands grasp her arms to steady her.

“Nah, it’s my fault for not realizing you were in there.” Sakura immediately put some distance between them by stepping back, because having him in such close proximity when she was naked under that towel was not something that should happen.

Her heart seemed to disagree by the way it pounded in excitement and anticipation, and she tried to calm it down by taking a deep breath. The blush that appeared on her face was solely due to the heat of the bath she had just taken.

Yeah.

“I’ll…uh…put on some clothes.” She quickly scuttled towards her bathroom, and from behind she could hear him clear his throat and utter a faint ‘yeah’ in return.

Mortified at what had just happened, she quickly put on some clothes before she went out to the living room. Shikamaru was nowhere in sight, probably in the bathroom, so she quickly went outside to get some fresh air.

She lay down on the balcony to take a look at the sky that always seemed to calm her down some and lit a cigarette.

“It’s still strange seeing you do that.” Shikamaru had appeared from the living room and looked down at her with an amused smile.

“What, cloud watching?” she asked him, knowing it wasn’t what he meant.

“That too.” He lay down next to her, and their arms touched because of the narrow width of her balcony. She thought about wiggling away so their skin wouldn’t touch but then discarded that notion immediately. He would notice. His skin felt warm on hers, and she wondered if hers felt as warm to him as his did to her. Or maybe he didn’t even notice the touch, because he had other stuff on his mind.

“I heard you broke up with Temari.” She didn’t look at him as she told him, and instead puffed out the rest of the smoke she had left in her lungs.

“Word travels fast.” He lit his own cigarette a puffed out the smoke. “It was an easy decision after I really thought about how I felt in our relationship. Even weeks before our big fight I had started making excuses about having to stay late at work. I guess I dreaded going home because I hated the constant arguing.”

“You’ve never been one who liked confrontations. I remember you saying once that you’d never marry after witnessing another fight from your parents.” She had been standing next to him with Ino, visiting his house after he had sustained a heavy injury to his stomach and needed time to rest. She had accompanied Ino to his house, mostly to check up on him because he was one of those Shinobi who refused to go to the hospital when things got worse.

When he had said those words, Ino had hit him on the head, and he had told her what a violent woman she was and that she only made him more convinced he was right. Sakura had stood by and laughed tears as she watched the two of them bicker.

“Yeah, it’s funny really, before the dream I never thought I was someone who wanted a family.” Sakura looked at him in surprise.

“You mean the Infinite Tsukuyomi?” When he only nodded, she took that as a sign to continue, “I think the Infinite Tsukuyomi opened the eyes of many people.” They smoked in silence for a bit, and Sakura thought about how things would be so much easier if they never had dreamed at all. And how it would have changed the present here and now.

Maybe Shikamaru and Temari wouldn’t have started dating at all. Maybe Sakura wouldn’t have given up on Sasuke, would have continued pursuing Sasuke even though she wasn’t really in love with him. Maybe she would have even married him and been trapped in a loveless marriage for life.

 _That_ was definitely something she didn’t want to think about it.

“What about you?” Sakura was suddenly brought back to the presence and didn’t quite know what he meant.

“What about me?” she asked, furrowing her brows in confusion as she looked at him from the side.

“Did it open your eyes as well?” Sakura thought about lying. But then what was the point of lying when everyone else already knew the truth? She turned her head back, so she wasn’t directly looking at him, and instead watched as the clouds moved slowly by.

“In a way.” she said tiredly.

“In wha-“

“How did Temari take it?” Sakura knew she wasn’t being subtle, but she hoped he would take the hint. She heard him sigh next to her.

“Fine, I guess. She wasn’t unhappy about it. We talked the whole morning, and we both came to the realization that we didn’t stay together because we loved each other, but because it was convenient that way.”

“You don’t sound…” Sakura didn’t know how to form the words to not sound accusing or judgmental. Because to her it sounded like he didn’t mind breaking up with Temari that much. And if she thought about it, it seemed more like he had been preparing himself for the breakup for a while now.

“Unhappy? I am. I’m sad that I’m losing such a good friend. I’m frustrated because I’m basically starting anew. But…” He didn’t continue talking, and she almost elbowed him because the suspension of it all kept her almost breathless.

“But?”

“But I feel like a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m glad that I’ve resolved this…issue.”

“Did you tell her about…you know?”

“No. There was no need to make it any more difficult for her. Not to mention about all the diplomatic issues that would arise from a bad break up between the two of us. Do you remember how much trouble we went through only so we could start dating? Telling her about the kiss would have made me feel better about the whole thing, but the resulting consequences on the other hand…”

Oh. She hadn’t even thought about how the cheating would affect the diplomatic ties between Suna and Konoha. After all, Temari was the current Kazekage’s sister, and Sakura was the former Hokage’s apprentice. If it had been revealed that Sakura had somehow been the reason for the breakup…she didn’t want to think about it.

Thank the Sage that Shikamaru thought of everything when it came to things like that. She felt even worse about the kissing incident now.

“Is she going back to Suna then?”

“Yeah, she said she needed some distance, and that there was no point in staying here anyway now that she was single again. She was actually relieved as well. She said that she was glad that she could return home. I guess Konoha never really became her home.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“She said she needed a few days to pack her things. Also, the paperwork for her transfer is going to take some time. Maybe a few weeks even. Until then she asked me to give her some space. I guess I have to search for an apartment anyway. Doesn’t feel right staying in that apartment any longer. It’s too big. It’s going to be troublesome, but well, what can I do.”

“You could always move back in with your mother.” She said jokingly, and he chocked in horror at the suggestion. She laughed out loud at his over-the-top reaction and he chuckled along with her.

“No, absolutely not, that-, that’s never going to happen.” He groaned. “Oh kami, my mother, I haven’t even told her yet, she’s going to be so disappointed that there’s not going to be any grandchildren.” Sakura giggled. She knew from the Tsukuyomi dream how much of a pain his mother could be. Yoshino Nara was a force to be reckoned with, that was a painfully hard lesson to learn.

“I’m sure it’s not going to be a problem finding a suitable partner who would be willing to pop out some children for you.” He looked at her even more horrified than before.

“That sounds horrible, please don’t ever describe it like that again.”

“You’re not the one who has to pop them out, so you don’t have anything to complain about.” Sakura still remembered quite vividly how much pain she had felt when she had given birth in the dreamworld. It had been the most excruciating pain she had ever experienced.

“You talk like you’ve had personally experienced this, do you maybe need to tell me something?” he said half-jokingly, but there was something in his voice that made her carefully consider her next words.

“I’m a medic, remember? I’ve helped women give birth, and let me tell you, it is not to be underestimated.”

“I guess I’ll have to find out myself how true your words are.” Sakura put out her cigarette and then stood up.

“You will. I’m going to take a nap. I’m still not recovered from that hangover.” She returned to her room, but she had the distinct feeling that his eyes followed her every movement until she disappeared out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, I noticed that there hasn't been a scene with the obligatory towel-covering-their-naked-body, so here it is.  
> On another note - something that some of you have been looking forward to - Shikamaru has broken up with Temari. It's final now. What did you think about his talk with Sakura? And what do you think will happen now?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thanks again for all the support! 
> 
> Here's a longer chapter, it took me a while to edit...hope it's not too jumbled and makes sense to you as much as it does to me!
> 
> Enjoy :)

_“Aaaaaaaaaaaaarggghh.”_ Sakura was awoken by her screaming. Her _other_ her.

 _“That’s it baby! Breathe, just a few more and then it’s over, okay?”_ Sakura looked to her left and saw an older version of Shikamaru hold her hand, looking worriedly at her as he brushed away some of her hair that had fallen into her face from the exertion. Sakura knew what this was. This was one of the last moments in her dream, before she had woken up to a world filled with ash and screams and death.

“ _I can’t, I can’t anymore!”_ Sakura remembered the agonizing pain and the exhaustion that had taken hold of her, and the helplessness and fear of not being able to do this, of failing her baby.

She could feel the desperation she felt then, as she relived the moment again. And she could taste the acid burning her tongue, as she felt the bitterness descend on her as she remembered how this would all end.

And then suddenly, her bedroom transformed as she was pushed back into the white hospital room, with clean white walls and bright lights that almost blinded her. She was very vaguely aware of the nurses monitoring her vitals somewhere next to her, and she could hear the occasional update from her blood pressure and heartrate.

It was necessary now, because this birth carried more risks than her first. A precaution, they had told her. She had trembled as panic had gripped her, when Shikamaru hadn’t been there initially when the really excruciating pain had started. She hadn’t wanted to do this alone.

And then, he had rushed into the room and stood by her side as she screamed and huffed and screamed and huffed, crushing his hand in the process. She was pretty sure she had heard some bones crack, but he hadn’t even flinched, just kept encouraging her to breathe and push. Just like he was now.

 _“Yes, you can baby, just a few more, please!”_ Shikamaru’s voice was strong and reassuring as he gripped her hand. She could almost feel it, the way his rough callouses brushed against her soft skin while they supported her through another contraction. The first contraction had started eleven hours ago, on an afternoon when she had been walking towards the bathroom, her bladder protesting for the umpteenth time that time.

And then, she had felt sudden wetness between her legs and on her feet, and at first, she had thought she hadn’t made it in time to the bathroom. And then the stings had started. At first it had been just an uncomfortable squeeze.

It had quickly become very painful.

Shikamaru had been at the tower at the time, and Sakura’s only option had been to call Shikadai from his room and send him to the tower as she had made her way to the hospital. This hadn’t been her first rodeo after all, and she would be damned if she would panic just because her water broke earlier than expected.

She had calmly walked into the hospital, had approached Erina, the nurse behind the desk, and informed her in a serenely collected tone that betrayed nothing of the pain she was feeling on the inside whenever the waves hit her that she was now in labor and needed to see her doctor.

 _“Fuck! I’m never doing this again Shikamaru! Don’t you dare impregnate me again, do you hear- meeeeeeeeeeeeeeearghhh.”_ Sakura felt him wipe off the sweat from her forehead before he gripped her hand again. She huffed in exhaustion, was at the precipice of collapse. She couldn’t take much more of this, she just didn’t have the strength left anymore.

And wasn’t it ironic? She was called the strongest kunoichi of her generation, but that didn’t mean anything when it came to giving birth.

Shikamaru kept telling her to breathe and to press, and she was starting to feel _fed_ up with his commands, because it wasn’t _him_ that was squeezing out what felt like a melon sized baby, thank you very much!

She was just about to open her mouth to tell her husband to shut the hell up when the medic in charge rudely interrupted her.

“ _I can see the head of the baby, just a few more and you’re done.”_ Sakura felt relief grip her as she heard the medic’s words. She might forgive him yet for interrupting her.

 _Only a bit more. You can do this Sakura!_ _Shannnarooo!_

Sakura didn’t hold back with her scream this time either as she pushed out the rest of the baby. She felt the moment as it finally breached the point where it easily slipped out, and collapsed back against the bed, unable to move another muscle.

Her whole body was covered in sweat, and her breaths came in short gasps, but the tiny wail she expected to hear didn’t come, and she pushed herself up on her elbows to see what was happening to her baby.

Shikamaru too looked at the doctor with anxiety written on his face, and they watched with bated breath as the nurse tapped on their baby’s back. He was desperate to hear her cry. And so was she.

She felt exhausted and her eyelids felt like lead, threatening to close any moment now, but she would endure until she held her daughter in her arm, safe and secure as it should be after the whole ordeal she had just gone through.

And finally, she heard it, her daughter’s first desperate wail, her first attempt at breathing air this world’s air. She saw how Shikamaru’s face lit up with wonder as he accepted his daughter into his arms, wrapped in a bundle of linen that protected her small body and kept her warm.

 _“How is she?”_ Sakura asked, she felt sweaty and exhausted, but it was all worth it when she saw his gentle expression as he looked at their daughter’s face for the first time.

“ _She’s perfect.”_ Sakura wished desperately to see her daughter’s face, as she pushed up more to see. It was then the white illuminated walls disappeared, along with the smell of antiseptic that she had come to associate with the hospital. Within a few seconds, the vision, along with the older version of Shikamaru holding their daughter disappeared into faint silvery, and Sakura was gripped with anguish. Her chest contracted painfully, and she gripped the sheets, trying to hold back her tears.

Sakura knew why she had seen this scene. She had just talked to Shikamaru about giving birth, and she knew this wasn’t a coincidence. Her visions were connected one way or another with something that was happening to her in reality, she was sure of that fact now. She didn’t know what it was trying to tell her, but she was becoming more and more desperate. Desperate for the visions to stop.

The more she saw of her other life the more she craved it, and the more she wished it was her reality, instead of this.

She sat up slowly because she still felt the remnants of her hangover, her head still a bit fuzzy and dizzy. With a start she realized it was evening already, moonlight filtering through her window, illuminating her otherwise dark room.

Sakura sat there in her bed, trying to keep her emotions at bay as she breathed in and out. She quickly wiped away a tear that had escaped without her permission and stood up resolutely. She was going to be fine. This wasn’t going to affect her any more than this.

She left her room and found Shikamaru sitting on the couch watching the TV on a low volume, probably being considerate towards her. She didn’t want to analyze the fluttery feeling in her chest at the thought of that. But she had a hard time ignoring its presence like she had been doing these past two weeks. She blamed the kiss from yesterday. It had penetrated all kinds of barriers she had set for her own sake, and now she had a hard time rebuilding them.

She couldn’t break now. Pretending everything was alright had become much more of a chore now.

“Hey.”, she said and sat down next to him, with a few inches of space in between. He smiled at her and she could feel the butterflies in her stomach going crazy at the sight of him. So much for being collected.

“Hey. You slept for quite some time.”

“Hangover.” She looked at the TV to see what was running, but it was some kind of reality show about some Shinobi with extreme personalities living together in a small space that was supposed to create some friction for entertainment. She always found these kinds of shows so stupid. They felt staged for more than anything else that was out there. If she had been in that environment, people wouldn’t be _alive_ anymore.

“I brought over some dango if you want some.” That made her turn her head in interest.

“Really?” She headed into the kitchen to take out the container from the fridge and returned to the living room. She handed him one of the sticks and started nibbling at hers, humming in appreciation when the sweetness hit her tongue.

“So, uh, I wanted to ask you if it is okay if I stay a bit longer until I’ve found an apartment?” She gathered he wanted to avoid Ino for a bit longer. She understood completely. Still, she felt uneasy at the prospect of him living with her for a bit longer.

“Yeah sure, it’s fine.” Then again, a few more days wasn’t going to make a difference, right?

Right. Her mouth was definitely a problem. Or maybe it was her heart that kept wanting to be close to him.

“Thanks. You’re a lifesaver.”

“That’s what friends are for, right? So, what are we watching?” she couldn’t hide the disdain from her voice, and he turned towards her in mock surprise.

“What? Not a fan of reality TV?” She looked at him with raised eyebrows at the mock confrontational tone in his voice.

“And you are?” she asked, knowing he wasn’t. He had more than often lamented about the odd choice of tv-programme at the Inoichi and Akimichi household. While Ino loved rom coms, the Akimichi loved reality tv, and would watch it even during mealtimes. Shikamaru, just like Sakura, hated the unrealistic representation of romance and reality in them, and was much fonder of the action-packed movies because they didn’t pretend to be realistic.

Shikamaru had the same taste in films and series as she did, something they had often taken advantage of when she was under the Infinite Tsukuyomi. Some of their early ‘dates’ had consisted of them not going out, but watching movies at home, which had always ended in a very interesting activity…

“No. But do I get to choose this time?”, he asked her with a calculating glint in his eyes, and Sakura felt a bit apprehensive, but she couldn’t back down now that she had goaded him into this.

“Depends. What were you thinking?”

“How about this one? It’s about this investigator who has to ask this s-class criminal Shinobi’s help in order to find another deserter. It’s a classic.” Sakura tried to hide how unsettled she was at his choice. A horror movie. Of course. He also liked those. This Shikamaru apparently also had a sadistic streak to him.

“S-sounds good.” she looked away and crossed her arms in front of her chest to look unaffected.

“You sure?”

“Y-yeah, go ahead and put it in.” Sakura made it for about an hour before her hand shot out to grab his arm. She hadn’t even noticed until had started talking to her.

“Can I have my arm back?” Sakura’s heart still pounded in her chest because of the last scare and when she realized she had grabbed his arm she immediately snatched her hand back. She couldn’t help the blush that spread on her cheeks though. She tucked her hands under her legs so it wouldn’t happen again.

“You should have said it was too much, let’s watch something else.” He went to get up, but she immediately stopped him. Sakura was stubborn, no matter what, she didn’t back down from stuff like this.

“No! Let’s…finish it. I’m fine.” Shikamaru regarded her for a moment longer until he shrugged his shoulders. As he settled back into the couch, she noticed that he had sat closer to her than before. Now only a few inches separated them, and she became intimately aware of his closeness. Her left side prickled in awareness, and she tried to ignore it as best as she could.

They continued the movie and Sakura was fine until she heard him whisper in her ear.

 _“Scared?”_ , he said teasingly, and Sakura tried hard not to flinch or react. He wasn’t real, but Shikamaru was sitting right there next to her. She felt a heavy weight settle on top of her shoulders as he most probably slung his arm around her shoulder in an attempt to press her against his side. She closed her eyes when she felt warmth spread from her chest to her stomach.

 _“Don’t worry. I’ll keep you save.”_ , he said huskily, and she shuddered involuntarily when she felt his teeth graze her ear and felt herself becoming wet between her legs. His fingers were softly caressing her upper arm, leaving her with goosebumps wherever he touched.

“You alright?” Sakura flinched and opened her eyes. There was no apparition next to her, only Shikamaru eying her strangely. She felt dizzy from the rush of emotions that assaulted her.

“Uhh, yeah, I’m fine.” She blushed even more than before and berated herself for showing such a reaction right when he was sitting so close to her. She felt hot and embarrassed. The vision only reminded her more of the intimate kiss they had shared.

Even though Sakura had told him that they should forget it had ever happened, she didn’t quite know _how_ she was supposed to move past it. It had awoken feelings inside of her she had kept under lock and key for over two years. Shikamaru didn’t seem to be bothered about it at all, as he sat there next to her as usual, not at all concerned by the close proximity to her.

It irked her, how unaffected he was by the whole incident, while she was still reeling from it right now. She wished it had never happened, because now it was even harder looking into his eyes. She wondered how she was supposed to interact with him in the coming days, if he stayed here.

Once again, her lack of control towards Shikamaru had driven her to this. She was such a sucker for him…

“Are you sure you’re fine?” She got the distinct impression that he held himself back from asking more. There was an almost challenging quality to the question, as if he _wanted_ her to answer in a negative. But that would put her on the spotlight, something she had tried and succeeded in avoiding the last few weeks. So, she only nodded and finished watching the movie, all the while being too conscious of his presence.

After she somehow made it to the end of the movie, she scuttled back into her room with the excuse of being too tired. Although Sakura went to bed early that night, she wasn’t able to sleep soundly at all, the turmoil of feelings and aching raging in her chest keeping her awake until early dawn.

* * *

The next week passed more or less the same way as before, with just a lot more awkwardness and stilted conversation as before. Sakura would work during the day and then would eat and watch a movie together. She was sure she wasn’t the only one who noticed the difference, and even though they both tried, things were quite different.

The apparitions continued to appear at random intervals, although they did increase in numbers, she didn’t find it all too troubling. And now that things with Shikamaru were changing, the visions were a welcome reprieve from her confusing emotions. They were a nostalgic throwback to a better time that technically never existed. They made her contemplate and for the first time in two years she wondered if being content was really enough for her.

She missed Shikamaru’s low reverberating laugh as she told him about a particularly funny case in the hospital, her son’s low whining as she berated him for being too sloppy with the housework, and the occasional quick hug her son would give her when no one was looking.

But most of all, she missed talking to her husband about the most mundane things, listening to him complain about Naruto’s lack of proficiency when it came to political tact when dealing with another nation’s kage.

The visions provided her with exactly that, and Sakura soaked them up like a sponge that hadn’t seen water in years. But while these visions could be reassuring, nostalgic, and very emotional at times, they could also be frightening, as Sakura found out one afternoon.

She had bee walking back home, taking a detour through the market when two visions had started playing at the same time. The voices from two Shikamaru had started to overlap on top of the noise from the busy market, it had been a confusing and frightening experience. She hadn’t even been able to make out the words that were said.

Sakura had felt a bit nauseous after that incident and she had taken a moment in a side alley to gather her thoughts as she breathed in and out. After a few minutes she rationalized that she had merely been tired after having spent another double shift at the hospital and that something in the market must have triggered the memories.

It wasn’t like the visions were hurting her, so there wasn’t really any cause for concern.

Work was not going as well as she had hoped. There was still no new development with the comatose patients, and she was getting more than a little worried. The woman who had been hospitalized three months ago had crashed for the first time today, and even though they had managed to stabilize her, Sakura feared she wouldn’t find the cause of the coma in time to save her.

It stressed her out, because she was responsible for these patients, and she was no closer to finding a cure than at the beginning of the case. More often than not she took the files back home to take a look at them before Shikamaru arrived. He had offered his help, but Tsunade had advised her to keep as quiet about the case as possible. Three people collapsing from an unknown cause, two of them Shinobi at that, was cause for concern, and could potentially lead to panic if they weren’t careful.

Sakura wasn’t only concerned about the case, but about Shikamaru as well. Now that Shikamaru’s brain had solved the relationship problem, he was more focused and observant than before. Maybe it was her imagination, but she felt his eyes on her more often now, and it…unsettled her to no end. Suffice is to say, meditation was now a thing of the past.

When they talked as well, she had the feeling he was trying to feel her out. She had been together with Shikamaru for seven years in the Infinite Tsukuyomi, and she had been friends with him for even longer. So, she knew his tells and the way he tried to sound uninterested in a topic as he tried to work out a way of how he could extract the information best.

He would start conversations about the war, and ask questions about her experiences, and she had a hard time not clenching her fists. She didn’t like talking about the war, because most topics about the war inevitably led to talking about the Infinite Tsukuyomi. So, she tried to shoot him down as best as she could.

The visions had started appearing more often whenever she was around Shikamaru, but they had pretty much penetrated every part of her life. They even appeared at work, though they were a lot less subdued and numerous. She suspected they got stronger the closer she was to Shikamaru, because he featured in most of them. Maybe he was somehow a trigger to the whole experience.

She knew that theoretically she was supposed to get help, but she was afraid. Afraid they would declare her unfit for work. She was also afraid that they might order a mental check over, and she did not want anyone other than herself in her head. If anyone were to discover about her time in the Infinite Tsukuyomi, it would be a major embarrassment to her.

She didn’t know anyone with similar experiences as her, so she could well be a freak case. She didn’t want to be analyzed and prodded and asked question after question about her experiences in the dream reality.

So, what could she really do?

Sakura was under the impression that the visions would abate once Shikamaru moved out, because they had started around the time he had moved into her apartment. They had also started to increase almost exponentially after they had kissed, so there must be a connection there. Thus, she believed that they would naturally start to decrease once he moved out. That would not only solve her problem with Shikamaru, but the whole thing with the vision would be swept under the rug as well.

It was, therefore, an immense relief when Shikamaru told her he would move out a week and a half after his break-up.

“So, you’ve found an apartment? That was quick!” she exclaimed in surprise when he told her over dinner. Sakura hadn’t been aware at all that he had been actively searching after he had announced to her that he would stay a bit longer.

A part of her felt immense relief at the news. This solved all of her problems. Another par of her felt a twinge of disappointment. Maybe just a little part of her had hoped he would take longer to search. While it was difficult to hide her feelings and secrets from him, she had become used to his presence. And a small part of her might have hoped something more would have happened between them.

But that was, as expected, something far out of her reach now.

“It’s close by, about a five minutes’ walk from the here. It’s a one-bedroom apartment just like this one.” Shikamaru, unaware of the inner struggle she went through, went on to explain about how lucky he was to have found something so close to the tower that wasn’t too expensive. Sakura kept her smile on her face.

This was good.

Yeah.

“Do you need any help with moving?”

“Nah, Chouji and Ino got me covered, it’s going to be a bit troublesome moving all my stuff from the other place, but we’re going to manage. You’re working tomorrow anyway, right?” Sakura was glad in a way that she didn’t have to see Temari. The other woman was sure to be at the apartment, now that her application for transfer was in progress. And she didn’t think she could look her in the eyes, after Shikamaru and her had kissed.

“Yeah, the week leading up to a full moon is always a bit busier than normal, so they tend to appreciate a few extra hands.” Everyone working in a hospital would readily agree that that was an understatement. This was a village packed full of people who learnt how to kill people in various terrifying and interesting ways, and, it seems, they got even more inventive during a training session during the full moon.

They also had more cases of injuries from missions, with Shinobi being so much more reckless in their endeavors to finish a mission. One would think that training for years had gotten rid of these impulses, but well, reality showed a different result.

“Ino asked about you, she said you haven’t talked since…she blew up in your face.” Sakura released her breath. She didn’t want to talk to Ino. And she didn’t want to talk _about_ her either. She hadn’t forgiven the blonde for her outburst that had unsettled Sakura once more to her core.

Sakura didn’t want to deal with all those conflicting emotions she felt whenever she thought of the blonde either, so she had done what she always did: compartmentalized and put away those thoughts far away into a deep dark corner in her mind.

“Yeah.” She said with as much apathy as she could. Hopefully he could take a hint.

“You know she misses you right?” he said almost hesitantly, and she ground her teeth at his insistence upon the topic. She understood why he thought it necessary to reconcile them, but it wasn’t his business. And Sakura didn’t want to talk about the twinge of hurt in her chest every time someone mentioned her name.

The hurt she felt was still too raw for her to just easily forgive Ino. She wasn’t sure she wanted to forgive her anyway.

“Talking about missing things, I’m sure going to miss the nightly dango in front of the TV.” She said changing the topic to a safer one. Shikamaru chuckled.

“You would. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten our promise. I’ll make sure to bring some by your office from time to time, so you don’t forget about my existence.”

“As long as I’m given what I’m due.”, she said haughtily.

“I keep my promises.”, he said with mock seriousness. But there was something in the way he said it that made her stop giggling and look away.

_“-I promised you on our wedding day that I would take care of you, from now on until the end of our days. I promised to be always true to you. I promised to stand by your side no matter what. And I keep my promises.”_

Sakura didn’t have to look behind her to know that he stood there, serious and desperate at the same time. But she hadn’t been able to listen back then, too hurt and too stubborn to see. It was one of Sakura’s many faults, being too overwhelmed by her own emotions to listen.

_“What’s the point of keeping those promises if you don’t love me? The whole point of a marriage is to be with the one you love Shikamaru! I just don’t think-, I can’t do this anymore…”_

_“Sakura don’t do this! Baby I love you, why can’t you see that?”_

_“Mom? Dad?”_

_“Shikadai, honey, please go back to your room-”_

Sakura missed both the good and the bad times from that reality. Too bad those became meaningless when she woke up on the battlefield.

“Sakura?”, she blinked as the voices swirled in the background, the words becoming more and more unintelligible, and she pressed a hand to her head to abate the dizziness that had, quite persistently, plagued her over the last few days. Especially in combination with the drinking that had been going on yesterday. She should really stop that.

Shikamaru was looking at her worriedly, and she shook her head as if that helped getting rid of the emotions that plagued her mind.

“Sorry, just tired, I guess. Maybe I’m coming down with a cold or something.”

“Maybe you should head to bed early tonight. You look exhausted.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that. Sorry to cut our last evening so short.”

“It’s not a problem. We can do it another time if you want to?” She looked up in surprise. She had assumed that once he moved out, they would return to their former friends-who-occasionally-drink-together-but-then-ignore-each-other-for-weeks-until-they-realize-each-others-existence. A part of her wished for this coziness to continue, for them to spend more time together.

She had never been this close to Shikamaru before these past few weeks. She liked that they could easily talk to each other without straining to find a conversational topic. And on the other hand, they could just sit there next to each other completely silent without it being awkward.

Even though it had been stressful to hide her own feelings, she wondered what it would be like if she wasn’t so hung up on him, if she didn’t have to watch what she was saying and keeping secrets from him.

Maybe that was why the visions had started. To remind her that, no matter how much she wished for it to be true, in the end the Infinite Tsukuyomi was something that wasn’t real, and that she had to let go of it.

But no matter how much she tried, there was something inside of her keeping her from moving on. She hated and loved the visions at the same time. She wished they had never happened, but at the same time, she was glad she was able to experience her time there. To experience another way of living, having all her dreams come true.

But reality was different, and regardless of how much she wanted it, not all dreams will come true.

Maybe she should try and distance herself from Shikamaru, at least for the next few days, and see if it helped with the visions. It killed her a little bit every time to see what she couldn’t have. Maybe if she stopped seeing him, she would stop seeing _him_ and Shikadai, and her other, much happier version of herself.

She was sure it would be for the best.

Right?

“Uh, sure, I’d love to. Good night!” Unable to meet his eyes at the lie she went back to her room to lie on her bed. The last vision had shaken her considerably. Even now, she considered it to be the most bitter-sweet memory of her time in the other life. Bitter for how it started. But all the sweeter for how it ended.

The Infinite Tsukuyomi, for all it had been a sham, had not been picture perfect. She had both good and bad memories. It was ultimately the struggles and hardships that had convinced her that that world had been real.

Sakura lay in her bed remembering until the early dawn, when she felt herself finally claimed by sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, I've never been pregnant and so I hope thebirth scene wasn't too unrealistic...it was fun to write though, so....no regreets xD
> 
> Only two more chapters to go, that went by fast! I don't think I will be able to finish the draft of the second part until then as I had planned initially. It...well...kinda went out of hand? (it is so long already, I shudder to think about the editing phase where I tend to add even more things...) 
> 
> Anyway, I'm excited for the next two chapters. What about you?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there guys! This is the penultimate chapter. I know the last one hasn't been all that great, but I hope this one livens things up a bit!
> 
> Enjoy :)

Shikamaru’s departure the next day had been rather anticlimactic. They had eaten breakfast, containing the usual mug of black coffee along with some fruits that had ripened to an almost dangerous degree in the fridge. Sakura had been bone-tired because of the lack of sleep, and Shikamaru didn’t look like he had fared any better during the night. Shikamaru had his duffel bag packed and ready by the couch, but he didn’t seem to be in a hurry.

“So, are you excited to move?” Shikamaru looked up blearily from his coffee, and she giggled in response even though she felt exactly as he felt.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s definitely better than moving back home.” He grumbled, and she raised an eyebrow. This sounded like there was more to it than he said.

“I take it then that your mother didn’t react…favorably upon the news of your breakup?” Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at the choice of her words.

“That’s the understatement of the year. She kept telling me that I was making a mistake, and that as the clan-heir I’m supposed to find a suitable girlfriend, marry her within the year and have children within two years.” Sakura looked at him with pity. Shikamaru had it rough, and Yoshino was someone who insisted on traditionality more than anyone. Well, except maybe for the Hyuuga, but those were a category of their own.

Sakura knew from experience.

“Sounds like she’ll soon start introducing you to girls.” she said offhandedly, knowing it was true. It was what her Yoshino had done in the dreamworld before she had officially started dating Shikamaru. Shikamaru groaned and put his head back in his hands.

“Stop it. Oh kami, she will, won’t she?”

“She’ll have to be well behaved and have the proper skills to manage a household.” Sakura started counting traits by her fingers as Shikamaru’s groans became more pronounced, “Quiet but well versed in conversation so she can entertain guests and high-level people from different clans.”

“You’ve just described the most boring person in existence.”

“Hush.” Sakura silenced his complain as she continued to count down traits, enjoying his discomfort greatly, “Ah, I almost forgot, she has to have the ability to pop out a child-”

“We agreed never to call it that. I remember distinctly that you agreed to that. I’m pretty sure we swore it on our blood and integrity-” Sakura just gave him a smile full of glee as she completely ignored his interjection.

“-never mind, one child isn’t enough. A proper wife is able to produce many children, in case the first born isn’t a male.”

“Where do you even get these ideas from? It’s like you’re reading from one of those outdated manuals from before the warring states period that my mother used to cite from when I was a child.” Sakura didn’t have to imagine what those looked like. She could clearly remember Yoshino’s strict teaching as she berated Sakura for her lack of posture or something the like. Her former mother-in-law had taken great pleasure in making Sakura’s life miserable.

“I bet she loved Temari because she was the Kazekage’s sister and the former Kazekage’s daughter. She’s someone with enough connections who was also raised to be a proper lady. Temari would have made the perfect daughter-in-law.” Sakura said hoping the bitterness she felt on the inside at the injustice of how Yoshino always treated Sakura as something less didn’t show through. Shikamaru looked at her in horror.

“Now you even sound like my mother. That’s exactly what she said when I told her Temari and I had broken up. Please stop. For your sake and mine.” Sakura snorted at the last bit and Shikamaru joined in after a few seconds.

Sakura did stop teasing him eventually. Shikamaru was taking the teasing in stride. When she had first sat down opposite him that morning, he had looked tense and worried, but there wasn’t even a hint of that anywhere in sight anymore.

“So, when are you meeting Ino and Chouji?”

“In thirty minutes at the apartment. Technically, I don’t even need them, with the sealing scrolls and all, but they both insisted to be there on my ‘big day’, whatever that means.” Sakura smiled. When she had moved out from her parents, she hadn’t told anyone but her parents. She had liked that she could take as much time as she wanted to move the stuff, and that she wasn’t rushed because she felt bad for keeping her friends from doing other stuff.

Sakura finished her breakfast and he helped clean the dishes. It felt like something was coming to an end. She didn’t know why she felt so reluctant to see him go. She had decided to keep her distance from him, hadn’t she?

The silence was deafening as they went through their morning routine, each submerged in their own thoughts. When it came time to say goodbye, they both stood there a bit awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

It was Shikamaru who made the first move. With one big step he breached the distance between them and slung his arms around her, hugging her tightly against him. Sakura froze in his embrace, having not expected him to breach the distance that had built in the last week and half since the ‘kissing incident’.

But then she felt herself teleported back to her dream, and it felt familiar and comforting at the same time, the way his body radiated heat as it engulfed hers. She automatically tightened her arms around him, her hands coming to rest on his back and her face buried in his chest.

She wished that this moment wouldn’t end, and for a second, she dared closing her eyes as she enjoyed his closeness.

“Thanks Sakura, for everything.” Sakura’s heart beat heavily in her chest at the low timbre of his voice. How it managed to always unsettle her this much she didn’t know. But his hands on her back coupled with the warmth and faint wisps of tobacco made her toes curl, and the butterflies in her stomach fluttered excitedly in anticipation.

Sakura blushed against her will, because how was she supposed to keep it together when he hugged her like this?

This was for sure against the rules.

“Anytime.” After what felt like an eternity to her, and what she felt was way too long a hug between friends to be appropriate, he stepped back just as she let her arms fall to her sides. Sakura felt like the air was charged with something, something heavy and smoldering. For a second, she thought that his eyes flickered downwards, settling on the soft curve of her lips. Sakura felt like her heart was going crazy, as it beat heavily against her ribs.

And then, the sound of a door hitting a wall as one of her neighbors left the apartment interrupted their little moment, and Sakura startled awake from her daze.

Quickly, to cover up her flush she looked at the clock and gasped at the realization that she was late.

“Oh no, I’m late! I have to go Shikamaru, but I wish you all the best with your new apartment!” With that, she turned around and walked briskly out of her apartment, leaving Shikamaru and the moment behind her without a second glance.

Sakura didn’t see much of Shikamaru over the next few days. She assumed he was busy with moving and getting acquainted with his new apartment. Sakura was busy herself, the last few days had been crazy, with people coming in with the strangest of injuries. She knew from experience that it would only get worse leading up to the full moon that was only a few days away now, but she was honestly looking forward to the day after, when people would finally return to normal.

In the first place Sakura couldn’t understand why people started to behave in such an erratic and frankly stupid way leading up to a full moon. She could understand if it were only Shinobi, because they craved the occasional adrenaline hit, but at least they knew their limits. Often times, it was civilians who acted more reckless and ended up being injured in the most unlikely way.

Sakura was finishing another double shift when it happened.

“Haruno-san, it’s Kurou-san, she’s crashing again!” A nurse interrupted her while she was bandaging up a civilian who had cut himself with a knife so deep it had required chakra-stitches. Luckily, she had already finished with the stiches, and so she could leave the nurse to deal with the rest.

“Take over for me here. I’m going right away.” The nurse nodded gravely and took over while Sakura hurried to her patient’s room. Kurou was the woman who had fallen into a coma three months ago, and Sakura feared she would be too late.

There were already pumping her chest when she arrived, and Sakura took over, using her chakra to map the patient’s body. It was when she saw the lack of activity in her brain, Sakura told everyone to stop what they were doing. A heavy weight settled in her stomach as she swallowed thickly. There was nothing she could do anymore.

“I’m calling it. She’s brain dead. Time of death?”

“8.39pm.” The nurse said solemnly. She wasn’t the only one who was feeling down. The whole team had a somber look on their faces as they looked at the patient they had lost. Sakura knew she should say something to cheer them up. It was never easy to lose a patient, but she knew that everyone involved had given it their best to save the woman who now laid motionless and lifeless in the bed. Sakura raked her brain, trying to find the words that would give them all a boost, but she came up emptyhanded.

While she knew the nurses had done their best, she wasn’t sure the same applied to her. Kurou Haruka had been her patient for three months, and yet she still didn’t know what had taken ailed her patient. Had she really done enough to safe her?

Sakura doubted she had. After all, with the way she had been preoccupied with Shikamaru living with her, the visions, as well as her emotions that were all over the place, there was no way she could have given it her all. Sakura felt ashamed.

“Return to your stations. They need more help in the emergency room. I’m going to check up on the others.” They nodded and left the room. Sakura noted down the time of death on the chart at the end of Kurou’s bed. Shortly after, another nurse, this one with a fierce expression on her face, entered the room, covered the body with a sheet and rolled out the bed with a nod from Sakura. The body would be taken to the morgue where her family could say their goodbyes one last time.

Sakura sighed but put the thought of her dead patient out of her mind for the time being. She went to check the vitals on her still live patients who were both still in a coma. She noticed the brain activity of one of the men had decreased slightly, and she made note of it. If she didn’t find a solution soon, he would be next to die.

Whatever made all three of her patients fall into a coma, it wasn’t harmless any longer. It had now become a serious issue, with the other two patient’s life at stake.

Sakura returned to her office and sat down, burying her head in her hands. Finally, in the privacy of her office she could let go of her emotions. It never got any easier, losing a patient. It had happened a lot during the war, but at the time she had other things to focus on, and even though it sounded harsh, it was the truth that she couldn’t quite remember the faces or names of most of the dead soldiers from the war.

There had been too many to count. Sakura and the other medics had been stretched thin, working themselves to the bone as they went from patient to patient. They hadn’t had time to grieve for the dead, or to think about what they could have done differently. The only thing they could do back then was to take care of the next patient.

But here and now, there was no war, it was a peaceful time, with only little strife and conflict. Deaths weren’t a common occurrence, except sometimes when a mission went completely awry. People were happily chatting in the streets, now that death wasn’t lurking behind each and every corner, and it made people forget that death was still _here_ , that everything could end in just a moment.

Like it had for Kurou Haruka.

“Dammit!” she said and brought her fist down hard on the desk so that a few papers fell to the floor.

Haruka wasn’t the first patient to die in her care after the war. Logically, there was no reason for her to be blaming herself to this degree. But the knowledge that the other two patients were also at her mercy, that, if she didn’t find a cure, they too would die, weighted heavily on her shoulders.

Sakura was afraid. Afraid that she would fail them like she had failed Haruka. Sometimes she wished she didn’t have this king of responsibility. She was tired, so tired. A headache had made itself known a few hours ago and even after she took some medicine, it hadn’t disappeared.

_“I thought you said you wouldn’t work in the afternoon?”_ Said an accusing voice from the door. She didn’t bother looking up, she knew it was just another vision. But hearing his voice now, in this moment of strife felt right. He had always been there for her, even when things had gone bad, even when he had been the one to blame, she had always been able to count on the fact that he would be there for you.

_“There was an emergency and they called me for help. I’m mostly finished now. Didn’t you say you had work until later tonight and wouldn’t make it for dinner?”_

_“Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise.”_ She heard him say sheepishly. Sakura kept her head between her hands as his voice washed over her.

“Sakura.”

_“Oh…I’m sorry.”_

_“Troublesome woman, come on, let’s go, we have a reservation to get to.”_ , he said affectionally, and she almost raised her head to see his smile. The smile that made her heart beat faster and her stomach flutter with thousands of butterflies. But she still didn’t feel ready to face the world. Just a bit more.

_“Alright, give me minute!”_

“Sakura?”

_“You know, we’ve never done it in your office.”_ Said his voice from her left now. She could hear the playfulness in the words, and almost picture the seductive smile that adorned his face as he whispered these worse into her ear.

_“Oh really? Such a shame, maybe we should try it out, just for science’s sake.”_ She heard her older version reply with what she knew was a seductive smile.

“Sakura?”

_“Mhhh, I think it would be a crime to let science down. I guess we have no choice…”_ she could hear the rustling of shifting clothes, Sakura’s waning protest as she told him that the door wasn’t locked and anyone could come in any second, and his chuckle that was answer enough…

“Hey!” Sakura flinched when her shoulders were shaken, and she looked up to see Shikamaru’s worried face. Shikamaru who had _touched_ her, who had shaken her awake. Sakura blinked in confusion as she slowly realized that this Shikamaru didn’t have a beard to speak of yet, didn’t show any of the aging lines that had started to appear on _her_ Shikamaru.

“You alright? I’ve been calling you for a while now and you didn’t respond.”

“What are you doing here?” she asked, still in a bit of a daze, as she tried to bury the emotions that had assaulted her mere seconds ago. Along with the grief of having lost a patient.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, so I came by to see how you’re doing.” So much for keeping her distance. It seemed that Shikamaru had taken it upon himself to keep in contact with her as much as possible.

“Oh, yeah I’m fine.” his mouth twisted in annoyance.

“Don’t do that. You’re obviously not fine.” Sakura looked down chastised and ran a hand through her rugged hair. She hadn’t had the time to comb through it since the morning when she had left her apartment. She could feel a few knots and she desperately wished she could be at home right now, alone, huddled in a comforting blanket as she went over what went wrong with her ex-patient.

“I lost a patient today.” He sat down on the edge of the desk, his expression morphing into a sympathetic one as he regarded her.

“I’m sorry Sakura. Do you want to talk about it?” Sakura really didn’t. While she appreciated the comfort, he wanted to provide her, she wasn’t someone who liked to share her thoughts. She’d rather think about everything first, trying to come up with solutions and reassurance herself before she asked someone else to do.

_“The team has missed another appointment. So, they are sending a rescue team just in case. I’ll be gone for a week at least.”_

_“Oh.”_

“I don’t want to talk about it.”, she said not looking at him, her hands folded in her lap on top of each other as she listened to the voices in the background.

_“I know I told you I would cut down on my missions outside the village, but-”_

_“Yeah. It’s fine.”_

“Do you want to get some Ramen? I still owe you one dinner.” Sakura was bewildered at first, because why would she want to go get Ramen when he was going on a mission? But then she realized it was the real Shikamaru talking, and she tried to hide her confusion as best as she could.

“Yeah, sounds good.” She went to get up but immediately sat down again when her vision started to go black. She saw him reach for her from the side, but she waved him off. “I’m fine, it’s been a long day is all.”

She tried again and this time she was fine. She turned to him with her arms outstretched as if to say, ‘I told you so’. He quirked an eyebrow but didn’t say anything and led her out of the hospital.

“So, how’s your new apartment? Did everything go well with the moving?”

_“Sensei was being such a-“_

_“Shikadai’s sleeping over at Ino’s-“_

_“-drag today. Maybe I’ll just become a merchant-“_

“…-good, it’s different, living by myself but you know it’s not so bad.” They sat down at the Ramen stall and ordered. Sakura felt more than a bit distracted from the voices that had arisen around her. She completely blamed Shikamaru’s presence. They hadn’t been so bad when she hadn’t see him the last few days, although, they hadn’t completely disappeared either.

_“so we’ve got the house all to ourselves.”_

_“-that seems a lot easier than becoming a Shinobi._ ”

“Hmm, yeah it was definitely the same for me, but I kind of like living by myself. I don’t have to be considerate of anyone but myself, so there’s a lot of freedom, right?”

“Yeah, but you also have to cook and do the cleaning.” Sakura looked at him with a frown. Shikamaru would never change, and in a way that felt both comforting and funny at the same time. He was someone who kept true to his character, no matter what.

“You’d have to do that as well if you’re living with someone else-“ she pointed her chopsticks at him in an accusing fashion, “-nowadays, women want to have a career, so sharing chores is a lot more common!” Shikamaru shrunk into himself and grumbled his assent, although she was sure she heard a stray “troublesome women” somewhere in the string of words that came out of his mouth.

_“It’s moments like these I realize just how much of Naruto’s teammate you are. You really do love Ramen don’t you?”_ Sakura straightened her back and rigidly looked at her bowl. She could feel Shikamaru’s eyes on her, but she kept eating quickly.

_“Don’t let Naruto hear you say that, or else he’ll get an even bigger ego than he already has. It barely fits into this stall, as it is now.”_

“Thanks for the meal. I really should get some sleep. I can’t wait for the full moon period to be over.”

“Uh, yeah, see you some other time then.”

Sakura quickly walked home. The voices didn’t quiet down even when her head hit the pillow.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, this is finally it! The last chapter is here, and the first part of the story is officially over!
> 
> I started it a bit differently from the other chapters, mostly because the start will be a bit relevant in the second part...maybe? It's been in my head for days now, and I just couldn't resist adding it.
> 
> Thank you all for staying with me on this journey, and please read the end notes as well if you want to know about my plans from here on out.
> 
> Enjoy :)

_Once upon a time, there lived a happy frog. Each day, the frog took the same route to his favorite pond at the same time, he would spend hours in the pond, swimming and chatting with his friends, and then take a different way back home. One day, while the frog was on his way towards the pond, he met a dwarf cutting wood._

_Scared, because dwarfs liked eating meat, and the frog - although small - was made of meat, he quickly jumped away. But the dwarf, having seen the frog, had only smiled at him and then continued with his wood chopping, without giving chase to the frog._

_His friends told him to be careful, because dwarfs were their natural enemies, and that the frog should avoid the dwarf by taking a different route. But even though the frog was afraid of the dwarf, he didn’t want to give up his route, because it had the best scenery and the best flies in all the woods. And so, the frog continued to go about his route each day, staying cautiously away from the dwarf. The dwarf only smiled at the frog, and after the third day, he greeted the frog and then went back to his woodcutting._

_Day after day, the frog met the dwarf, but the dwarf never approached or attacked the frog. And the frog grew confident, because while dwarfs were strong, they were very slow, and so wouldn’t be able to chase after frogs even if they wanted to. After a few weeks had passed, the frog started to greet the dwarf. The two of them started talking, and the dwarf admitted that he had no friends and that he was lonely._

_The frog kept his distance, but the dwarf never made a move against the frog, and so, one day, the frog came into the clearing finding a different scene. In the middle of the clearing he saw a huge pot, big enough to fit two or three dwarfs, and beneath a few logs had been placed where surely a fire would be started later._

_The frog asked the dwarf: “What are you doing?” and the dwarf, looking up from cutting wood, answered the frog._

_“I want to take a hot bath, and for that I need a lot of wood.” The frog, having only ever experienced the cool waters of the pond, was curious._

_“Why would you want to bath in hot water?” it asked, as it cautiously approached the pot, staying far a little distance away from the dwarf who he considered now a friend. The dwarf continued to cut wood, like every day, and answered the frog._

_“To make the aches in my body disappear. I want to relax after a long day of work, and hot water is the best way to do that.” The frog understood what the dwarf was saying. After a long day of swimming in the pond, the frog often felt exhausted too._

_“If you want, I can prepare a bath for you later, if you want to try it out.” The frog felt happy at the dwarf’s suggestion and readily accepted the dwarf’s invitation. “Come back in the evening, after your usual swim.” The frog agreed and continued on to the pond. He told his friends about his talk with the dwarf, but his friends called him a fool for trusting their enemy. But the frog and the dwarf had become friends, and the frog had started to trust the dwarf, and so he ignored his friends’ concern._

_In the evening, the frog returned to the clearing instead of taking his usual route home. Next to the pot, there was a pile of chopped wood, and the dwarf was sitting in the pot. When he saw the frog, he quickly got out and dressed, and motioned for the frog to enter the pot. The frog readily agreed, having spent the whole day imagining what the hot water would feel like. And after seeing how the dwarf hadn’t lied about the bath, it felt more comfortable going inside the tub._

_The water felt nice, the only problem was that he couldn’t see the dwarf anymore. But if necessary, the frog could always jump out of the water and hop away from the dwarf’s reach. The water had a nice fragrance, and after a few minutes, the frog could see a few steams rising from the water._

_“Why does the water have a smell?” the frog asked and from far away he could hear the dwarf’s explanation._

_“So, when you get out your skin has a nice smell as well.” The frog accepted the explanation without questioning. “How is the water? It’s not too hot, is it?” asked the dwarf after a few minutes had passed and the frog answered readily._

_“Not at all. It’s just as you said, it is very relaxing.” The dwarf hadn’t lied to the frog and the water helped relax the frog’s aching muscles. The steam started rising more quickly, but the frog didn’t worry, because the water still felt very good and not at all too hot._

_After a while had passed the frog started to think that it was time to get out of the pot. But as he tried to move, his limbs wouldn’t obey. The frog didn’t understand and asked the dwarf in a panicked voice._

_“Dwarf. Please help me out of the pot. I can’t move.”_

_“But that would defeat the purpose of a hot long bath, would it not?” answered the dwarf, his voice now very close. The frog tried to struggle, and move, but it was to no avail._

_“Dwarf, what is happening? Why can’t I move?” The steam that was rising from the water was now so potent that the frog was unable to see the stars of the sky anymore._

_“You can’t move because the water is too hot. Soon you will die because of the heat and become my dinner.” The frog, at first, didn’t understand what the dwarf was saying. His mind started to become befuddled, and it was hard to think. The frog panicked and pleaded with the dwarf._

_“But dwarf, I thought we were friends?” The dwarf chuckled from somewhere nearby._

_“I am a dwarf, and it is in my nature to eat meat. Are you not meat?” The frog now realized that the dwarf had set a trap for him, and that the frog, unaware of the danger, had readily played into his enemy’s hands. His friends had been right all along._

_The frog closed its eyes in defeat. If only it had proceeded with caution, it would have been able to play with his friends the next day…_

* * *

From the moment Sakura had woken up, she had known that something was different. She had felt like something was askew, like something wasn’t like it was supposed to be. She couldn’t remember her dream from last night, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t conjure up more than a feeling. The feeling was hard to describe, but it felt heavy as it settled in her gut.

With a sigh, she got up, and with a start she realized what was different. No visions. No stray words. Nothing. As if they had never existed to begin with, the visions stayed absent even as she went about her morning routine, showering, brushing her teeth, eating breakfast.

Nothing. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

She didn’t even feel that exhausted anymore. She felt normal, if a bit tired from the lack of sleep in the last few days, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle. Yet…Sakura felt a strange sense of foreboding the longer she spent awake. Something wasn’t right. She could feel it in her gut.

Today, she was supposed to spend another shift at the hospital. It was expected that, due to the rather large influx of patients in the last week, the full moon this time would be even worse than other times.

As she walked towards the hospital, Sakura wondered if she should tell someone about the visions. The more she thought about it, the more she thought that they had some kind of purpose, but she just couldn’t figure out whatever that purpose was. Something inside of her urged her to tell Tsunade, or Sai, or anyone she trusted.

But something else inside of her told her not to. What was she supposed to say? That, for the past few weeks she had had visions from the Tsukuyomi? That would only make them ask more questions about her experience within the dreamworld, and that was something she wanted to avoid. And anyway, the visions had stopped, wasn’t she fine now? Wouldn’t telling anyone jut stir up some unnecessary worry?

No. Everything was fine.

As Sakura reached the hospital, she completely forgot her inner struggle as she watched nurses run around in haste, asking for additional medics who weren’t occupied. Sakura immediately launched herself into work, helping wherever she was needed the most.

Apparently, a mission had gone awry, and had left two teams on the brink of death. There was no time to think, nor was there time to eat or take a break. By three in the afternoon Sakura had yet to eat, and the exhaustion form the past few days had finally caught up with her.

She felt it more than ever now, that she hadn’t had her additional day off this week. The tiredness had settled like a heavy blanket on top of her shoulder, but there was no time to think about it, and so she swallowed a soldier pill and marched on. She wasn’t the only one to do that, she could clearly see others – nurses and medics alike – swallowing the nutritious balls that tasted like something a rodent would throw up.

The nurses were scuttling about, always on their feet, and Sakura felt even more exhausted just by watching them. Not that she didn’t do any of the walking herself. It just made her a bit more edgy watching everyone so agitated and stressed out.

Her mind was exhausted, as was her body, but Sakura felt an alarming sense of urgency, something deep inside of her gut telling her to do something.

But what?

Shaking her head, she decided to take a quick look at the still comatose patients. Something in the back of her mind had been nudging her all day long, as if she was missing something obvious and important, a key fact that somehow had eluded her and was right there, within grasp.

The two men lay in their beds motionless like always, and something in her deflated, as if a part of her had hoped that they had woken up.

Part of her always did. As she checked their vitals, she noticed a spike in brain activity in both her patients, and she put it down on her chart. She didn’t remember ever seeing something similar in the past months, and she was sure it was important. Sometimes, she wished she could see into their minds and see what was going on in there.

Wait.

Couldn’t she? Wasn’t there a way to do just that?

“Haruno-san. There’s been another emergency. A child who fooled around ended up stabbing himself through his hand. Could you take care of it?” Sakura sighed at being interrupted but then reluctantly followed the nurse. She couldn’t wait for the full moon to be over. She would continue this train of thought at a later time, when there were less emergencies to be handled.

“On it. Which room are they in?”

“Room 104.” Sakura nodded and made her way to the room. Her head had started pounding a few minutes ago, probably because she hadn’t eaten enough today. The more the afternoon started to progress, the more her body started to ache, a clear sign that she should take a much-needed break.

“Good evening,” Sakura said as she entered the room. A worried mother and her crying child were sitting on a chair. The mother had wrapped the child’s hand with a towel, but the blood had started to seep through already. As Sakura unwrapped the towel, she could see a big hole in the child’s hand.

“Finally, what took you so long?” Sakura could tell that the mother was agitated. She could also tell that she was one of the entitled mothers who thought they should never have to wait in line for anything because they somehow felt they were special. She could already tell that this case was going to be very challenging.

“Can you tell me what happened in detail so I can take a look?” Technically, it wasn’t necessary to hear the full story for Sakura to heal the wound. But she found that it kept the patient busy with something other than watching her every move. It gave them something else to do, and very often that helped with the pain.

“Well obviously he stabbed his hand with a kunai. Now get on with it.” Sakura suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, and gently took the child’s hand into hers. The boy had been very unlucky. He had damaged his chakra pathways along with a lot of nerves in his hand. She quickly administered a painkiller around the wound and began the healing process.

The pounding in her head increased as she upped her concentration. Healing chakra pathways was a tricky business and needed one’s full attention.

“It’s a little bit early for you to be training, isn’t it?” Sakura started mending the pathways, taking her time so that she wouldn’t make a mistake. She watched as the flesh slowly mended together, cell by cell. Even after years of working as a medic, it didn’t get old to watch this process. It was still fascinating to her that she was doing this with her own power.

“I wanted to impress daddy.”

“Why is it taking so long?” the mother asked impatiently, and Sakura ignored her for the sake of smiling at the boy.

“I’m sorry.”, whined the boy tears shining in his eyes even though she knew he wasn’t feeling any pain, and Sakura had about reached her limit with the woman. Annoyed at her angry rambling about how the waiting time had been too long and how Sakura was taking her sweet time healing instead of hurrying up, she didn’t even want to reply to the woman. Sakura was tempted to point out to her that she could always request another medic when there was a knock on the door.

Sakura didn’t look up from her work, but she knew the chakra signature belonged to a nurse and so she told her to enter.

“Haruno-san, we have another emergency, code yellow.”

“She’s healing my son at the moment, can’t you see?”

“Bring over Tsukumi, I’ve almost finished connecting the nerve tissue, she can do the rest without a problem.”

“Understood.” The nurse disappeared again, leaving Sakura alone with the boy and the enraged mother.

“Unacceptable. I want you to finish healing my son. We were here first.”

“Ma’am please calm down. This is not a matter of who comes first, but who needs more immediate care. Please take a seat.”

“How dare you order me around! Do you know who my husband is?” _No but he’s about to find out who I am if you don’t shut up._ The pounding in her head had increased exponentially and had become a bit unbearable in combination with the woman’s shrill voice.

Sakura ignored the woman and concentrated on the last of the mending.

“You’re doing very fine. You’re very brave, your father must be so proud of you.” she told the boy, leaving out the mother on purpose. The boy had stopped crying and was now sniffing in an attempt to act brave.

“Sakura-senpai, I heard you have something for me to do?” said a voice from behind her and Sakura almost breathed a sigh of relief. Tsukumi was a medic in training, one of very few. Still, she was very happy that she was there to take over for Sakura, because she knew Tsutsumi was much better at handling an irate person than Sakura was.

“I’ve finished mending the nerve tissue, all you have to do is close up the wound with chakra stitches and put on a bandage.” Sakura stopped her chakra from flowing into her hand, and a wave of nausea overcame her, and she bit her teeth as she let it wash over her. It was over quickly, and she didn’t think anyone noticed. “My college is taking over for me now. You’ve done well.”, she said affectionately to the boy, and he nodded and smiled at her shily.

She purposefully didn’t look at the mother as she made her way towards the door. As she closed the door behind her she heard the mother rant about making a formal complaint, and Sakura almost snickered as she heard the Tsukumi’s reply, her tone bored and distanced, a clear sign this wasn’t her first rodeo with a horrible parent.

The nurse who had come to fetch her led her towards another room, but she was stopped by Tsunade, who was coming towards her from another hallway.

“Sakura, good work. Go home and rest.” Sakura literally cheered inside her head, though she tried not to let it show on her face. Her limbs felt like lead, and she couldn’t wait to go home and take a long hot bath.

“Are you sure you don’t need me anymore?”

“It’s already past 9, you shouldn’t even be here. Take tomorrow off as well, you know what, take the next two days off. Make sure you rest.” Her mentor said with her eyes pinched and a voice that left no room for arguments. Sakura didn’t have the strength, nor the courage, to protest and nodded in relief.

She staggered a bit on the way to the office but managed to arrive without being interrupted by another nurse. On her desk she found a container with her favorite sweet snack, and a note attached to it.

_I keep my promises. Let’s do something together once people have regained their senses. -Shikamaru_

Smiling slightly, she took the container with her so she could eat it later when she was soaked in lavender scented bathwater. She quickly changed into her jacket before she stepped out and made her way to the side exit, where she knew a lot less people were about at this time of night. She wanted to spend the next few days in bed.

As soon as she reached the exit, she took in a deep breath, and then opened the door to feel cool air rush against her heated face. As she took the first few steps outside, she suddenly stopped. Her heart pounded erratically in her chest, pumping blood through her veins faster and faster. Sakura almost staggered, and her hand shot out to take a hold on the wall next to her, so she wouldn’t fall.

Her limbs felt so, so heavy, as if thousands of boulders had suddenly descended on top of her. All sounds vanished, except for the rush of her blood, which pounded in her ears like the drums on a summer’s festival, deep and resounding and overwhelmingly loud. Her vision started to swim and very distantly she heard a thump of something hitting the floor.

Sakura didn’t know what had made her look up. It was as if her gaze had been drawn up and up until they settled on a familiar sphere.

_No!_

There, brightly illuminating the night sky was the full moon. It looked beautifully serene as its light shone on the streets before her. A sense of dread and nausea overcame her, wave after wave crashing into her as she began to realize what was happening. The light of the moon became brighter and brighter, until it became so dazzling, she had to shield her eyes from the light.

_No!_

And then it was over and there was Shikamaru next to her, looking worried.

“Everything all right? You spaced out there for a second.”

“Uh yeah I’m fine, sorry, it was nothing.”, she smiled at him. “Just a long day.” She looked back at the hospital. She felt like she was forgetting something important.

“Are you sure? You seem distracted still.” Sakura turned around when he took her hand into his and smiled at him in reassurance.

“It’s nothing.”

“Shikadai’s probably already waiting at home. Let’s go.” They took a few steps before she stopped.

“Oh no, I totally forgot to buy ingredients for today’s dinner, and the market’s closed.”

“It’s fine, we can get some take out. It’s less of a drag that way.” He tugged at her hand again and they headed towards the food street with all the restaurants and bars.

“Alright, I’m really craving some fried chicken right now!”, he looked at her, his smile turning wry.

“Fried chicken it is.” Sakura briefly looked at their joined hands and blushed. They hadn’t done that in a while, and it made her feel like a teenager again. Not that she was complaining. She smiled to herself.

Life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of the last chapter? Tell me in the comments, and as always I appreciate it if you leave some kudos as well!
> 
> So finally, I can tell you about the plans for the second part, which will be partly in Sakura's perspective (some of you really wanted to see more of the dream world, so here it is!), but mostly from Shikamaru's perspective as he tries to solve the riddle of the comatose patients (yes, Sakura too is comatose now, and yes, you were all right about your suspicions, turns out I'm not good at building up a mistery...). Stay tuned by subscribing to the series :)
> 
> When will I publish the second part? Unfortunately, I have been struggling with writing this story for the past few weeks. Not to worry, I'm not abandoning it, but I really want to take my time mapping out the plot. So, it might take some time. 
> 
> If you're bored, why not check out Vacant Soul?


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